Confused with all my circumstances

November 17, 2009 – 3:57 pm

I feel my enervation and uselessness. My father is ill, he also forced me to go to the marine corps, I am afraid. I am not meeting anyone but staying home alone and can not do anything. I am so aftraid of everything, father’s health, the army, career and the coming exams. The more I try to study without thinking of my situation, the more I am stressed out and have even closed to extreme.

It certainly sounds as if things are difficult for you at the moment. There seem to be a number of issues and concerns that are all converging, and with the stress and demand of studying for exams on top of all of that, it is understandable and not uncommon to feel overwhelmed.

However some of what you describe – the enervation, feeling useless, withdrawing, struggling to see the point – are indicators of an experience of depression. I don’t know from your question for how long you have been feeling this way, but if these signs last for more than a few weeks then I strongly recommend you seek some professional assistance (from a doctor or counsellor). You make a very good point that trying to study and not think about your situation actually makes you more stressed. Sometimes study can be a useful distraction, but just as often it can make coming to terms with what is going on for you that more complicated. You need to consider, in relation to your exams and your study, when is the best time for you to seek some assistance.

Whilst some people might put this off until exams are over, it may in fact be helpful in your case for you to take some time and space now to talk through your situation. That could help you through this difficult and demanding period, and begin a process that can be developed to address the broader challenges in due course. Contact the Counselling Service, or if you would prefer to start with a medical practitioner try the University Health Service. You can also check here for some information on depression. Most importantly, despite feeling like you want to withdraw, you are not alone and there are people and support available to help you.

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Asperger’s syndrome

November 13, 2009 – 1:19 pm

I have Asperger’s syndrome but generally appear ‘normal’ to most people until I feel pressured by exams, assignments, friendships, or many other things that most people would not even think of. How do I approach lecturers to tell them that I view the world very differently; react very differently to many situations?

Asperger’s Syndrome is a condition that warrants assistance and understanding, and as such you are eligible to receive ‘accommodations’ if requested, e.g. extra time to sit exams, or a separate room to sit in.

If you feel uncomfortable approaching your lecturers a good idea might be to get an appointment with the Disability Liaison Unit to discuss how they can assist you and the options available to you. They may be able to laise with your Department or lecturers. I know for certain that they, and us, have ongoing contact with many students with Asperger’s to give them as much assistance and advice as possible. The Counselling Service is also happy to meet with you to discuss strategies to help you better handle the stressors that relationships etc can present you with. Another idea could be to print off some information from reliable websites and give these to your lecturers to read. Some useful sites are: Children Youth and Womens Health Service ; Organisation for Autism Research ; Sue Larkey’s website; and the Tony Attwood Asperger’s Syndrome website.

Or you could write out your own ideas around what you find difficult or uncomfortable and what helps you and give this to them, Disability Liasion Unit and Counselling would also be able to help you with this.

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Parents Making Me Move Countries

November 13, 2009 – 12:56 pm

A few months ago my parents revealed to me that after I finish my degree we will be moving to England. But I really don’t want to go. I’ll be in my mid 20’s then yet they still think they can just control me. We have family there but I don’t have anything in common with my English relatives and I feel much at home with my relatives here. It’s getting to the point where I told my mum I didn’t want to move but she got angry and wouldn’t speak to me for days. I had to pretend that I changed my mind so she wouldn’t be angry with me anymore.

I’m just so angry that they can expect me to drop my whole life for their wants and needs. Then I feel like I’m being selfish but I’m angry at myself for giving in to all their plans for my future. I set my academic study based on living here in Australia. It feels like my whole life is falling apart and I can’t find anyone that will listen to me because my parents do not.

I don’t know what to do. Please Help!

This is a very difficult situation, one for which you may benefit from some face to face counselling. In managing this situation the first thing to do is to try not to react but to observe and listen, noting your parents thinking, feeling states, and assumptions. Try to really explore the background to what is happening. Think about what your own bottom line is, talk it over with trusted friends. Then invite your parents out for lunch in a public place where neither will want to make a scene, and tell them your concerns and your decision. Your mother may get angry and not talk to you but very few mothers can bear to not talk to their child for very long.

Your parents may be trying to resolve their own cross cultural relationship issues where one partner has forgone their country and family of origin for the other. Partners make some accommodations over the years because of this, usually happily, but sometimes there is a long standing sense of loss. I do not know your parents’ feelings about their move to Australia however their current decision regarding you is out of keeping with your own developmental needs.

The aim of parenting is to launch independent adults who will form their own relationships outside the immediate family and who feel comfortable about their capacity to communicate and to manage conflict. It is not to not to raise clones of the previous generation, nor to hold onto the child.

Unfortunately it seems that your parents are relating to you as if you were below the age of 11 when children require a lot of protection and direction. Nor is your mother modelling the type of communication that would assist any of you to have a genuine conversation about the benefits and disadvantages of the idea.

Take care.

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Partner has depression

November 13, 2009 – 12:45 pm

My partner has depression, so he’s having trouble communicating his feelings to me. It’s hard for me because his mood swings and he distances himself from me. I sometimes feel he’s behaving selfishly. I feel like he’s ignoring me, not appreciating or respecting me. He doesn’t seem to be able to show me that he loves me, and it makes me doubt that he does. I’m trying to be strong for him but I can only be so strong, and I can’t do it for him. I feel that I’m giving him all my love and not getting enough love in return.

It sounds like you have had to put your needs “on hold” in the relationship. That is very hard for you and damaging to the dynamic of the relationship if it continues for too long. It sounds like that strain is starting to undermine your faith that the love is there. These are very common issues for people whose partner is depressed.

You have not said anything about what treatment or support your partner is receiving. I think seeing someone take responsibility for their own recovery is very important for the partner. It helps you to weather pain of the person’s emotional absence. If your partner has a treating professional it may be useful for you to sometimes go along to their meetings. This may help you to see how he is working to recover and clarify your role in that recovery.

When someone is suffering from depression it has a major impact on their functioning in all areas, including their relationship. It is often helpful to have couple counselling with an independent person, as the relationship is under great stress.

Most importantly, it is vital that you care for yourself and manage your own needs actively. In a relationship we, to some extent, swap needs and care for each other. If, at the moment, your partner is not able to do this, you need to pick “up the slack”. This might mean consciously spending more time with friends and in activities which support and nurture you. It is also valid for you to have counselling, as the carer, whose life is deeply affected by the depression. A good article on the impact of depression on partners can be found here.

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Making friends

November 13, 2009 – 11:34 am

I used to be quite a social person and get along with many (especially with boys). Now that I’ve got my boyfriend, all my “male” friends seem so far away so I feel alone without them. Then I thought to myself why isn’t it easy for me to make friendships with girls??? I don’t have many girlfriends, and the few I’ve got aren’t really close and don’t know me that well. I want to make good like-minded girlfriends who i can get along with and confide in. What is the first step? I’m struggling trying to meet girls!

It is hard to give a definitive answer. There are lots of hints in your question about you and your experiences. I will explore and respond to some of them.

If you had friends of either gender who you felt very close to, and in whom you have confided, then we know you have the skills to find build such relationships. If you are looking for completely new kinds of relationships, you may need new skills and you may need to reflect on what has stood in your way in the past. Asking for feedback from those close to you would be a good start. Family and long standing friends can be an invaluable source of feedback. Counselling might also be very helpful.

Maybe it would help to think about the friendships you have had which have worked well (regardless of gender). What did you value? How did they develop? How did you meet? How did the intimacy develop? Reflecting on these questions will clarify what you are looking for and if you have the skills to find it.

For most people friendships are developed by putting yourself amongst people with whom you share common interests and then by using your communication skill, especially active listening and showing interest in others.

There is no rule about who you should be close to and comfortable with. It is not uncommon for girls to find that they are more comfortable with male friends. This seems to arise when their emotional style is a little more masculine, they like activity based friendships, and they like to talk about interests rather than relationships. I am curious about what has happened to your friendships with guys. Can you maintain them as well as having a boyfriend?

Making friends can be emotionally challenging. Keep in mind that unlike for example, getting fit, you have limited control over outcomes. Other people can be unpredictable. This means you need to reward yourself for attempts (making moves, asking people to have coffee, etc) regardless of outcome. It won’t always work and you need to be prepared to not take that too personally. Other people’s reactions will be guided by many factors such as how busy they are, and whether they have the emotional time, or space, for a new friend. You need to coach yourself to have a resilient attitude.

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Maintaining a relationship during exams

November 4, 2009 – 8:38 am

Last semester boyfriend and I broke up during the exams over something really small and idiotic. We were both so stressed and tired and put pressure on each other. It all just blew up! We got back together but I’m already really anxious about my studies and fear that I’ll stuff up our relationship in a stupid reactive way. I don’t trust myself to manage this. How do we get through the next month?

Yes, managing both a relationship and exams at the same time can seem a difficult combination. However if you support each other well, then the relationship may become even stronger. Here are a few tips;

1. Work with your boyfriend to support each other’s study routines, while communicating how you each like “to do stress”. If he likes to hunker down and go off line and out of sight for days/weeks etc, you need to come to terms with this. And if you like to talk out your fears on an hourly/daily basis and he’s unwilling or unavailable, then you will need to learn to write out your worries, or to speak with other friends. If he’s a pacer, then stay out of his space; if you’re a “comfort eater” then he needs to know these behaviours usually end when exams finish, etc.

2. Welcome and manage the stress to your advantage. Be aware that in order to give a good academic performance you ideally should be pretty “toey”. However, too much stress will tip you over into being reactive. Consult Feeling Anxious About Exams and set a small amount of time aside DAILY to practise the skills.

3. Set aside a weekly time to meet and debrief, but have no expectations it will be a fabulous date. Just listen to each other, be supportive, and get regular sleep.

4. Agree ahead of time not to have a deep and meaningful “about the relationship” until one full week after you have both finished exams and handed in every outstanding piece. Get some sleep; recover your sense of humour; get perspective; etc. If you MUST talk about your relationship then consult a close friend or family member first. It just isn’t fair to “unload” when it suits you.

5. Okay. Let’s say he really stuffs up and hurts you, and you are afraid your semester’s work will be seriously affected by your emotional state, then consult the tip sheet Anger is okay … but think! and book in to see a counsellor if required.

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My mind froze in the exam

October 27, 2009 – 2:51 pm

Last semester I was in my exam and it felt like my mind froze, like it went blank. However hard I tried I just couldn’t think, so I got up and left. Once I was outside I felt better, like the panic left me. Then I felt really down and hopeless as I have definitely failed that exam and probably the subject. What should I do?

What you are describing is a result of extreme anxiety. Not much fun in an exam or any time. Certainly there are ways to help you with your problem. When we become very anxious, our capacity for complex thinking, and remembering, is reduced, and our capacity to survive at a very primitive level is enhanced. This is good for survival of the species, but not so good for survival at university.

The skills you need to learn are how to manage your anxiety. You can also gain insight into why you may be so anxious and develop an understanding that would reduce your extreme anxiety response. All of this can be done through counselling. The important point for you is that you seek and receive help well before exam time. Change takes time and a last minute consultation will not give you the outcomes you deserve: a clear, focused mind in exams. You need a good few weeks to work on this problem. You are welcome to view our webpage on ways to manage anxiety.

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I am dreading going home

October 27, 2009 – 2:46 pm

All my friends at uni are looking forward to going back home after exams are over but I am dreading that time. I haven’t had a good relationship with my parents for years and really dislike the town they live in. Being at uni this year has been the happiest I have ever been. When I went back for a couple of weeks during semester break it reminded me how bad it is being home. My parents are paying for me to stay in college so I feel I have to go back home but am not sure I can cope.

Congratulations on having a really happy first year at university. It sounds as though you have successfully made an important transition to the next stage in your life – being a student living away from home. From a parental point of view this is a major achievement that they can celebrate too – a happy son/daughter who is progressing with their studies, and who is able to manage living independently.

Irrespective of how you are getting along with your parents, maintain your focus on the next developmental challenge common to all young adults, and something that will endear you even further to your parents: learning about and experiencing the world of work. Put forward a case for staying in the city to work. You will need a place to live and a job sufficient to cover the costs. Consult with friends, their families, and supportive adults as to how you could gain further skills and experience. Present it to your parents as your next important developmental stage. Usually parents can cope with this provided you go home at a regular interval, and if you keep in touch by phone regularly; that is, same day, same time each week. They need to hear your voice. Parents can usually let go of the need to contact you frequently if they know the contact is regular and that you are happy. Make sure YOU make the call so that you are prepared with a few topics you are happy to talk about. This helps to avoid feeling overwhelmed by their agenda if they phone you. Ask after them and genuinely show interest but don’t get pulled into family quarrels. If there are any ongoing difficulties with your parents, feel free to consult a counsellor so that these concerns can be explored further.

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I have 4 assignments due and am stressing out

October 23, 2009 – 1:17 pm

I have 4 assignments due before the end of semester and I am stressing out about getting them done on time. I have given myself blocks of time to study in the days when I am not at uni but find I do other things instead eg I clean up my room, take naps, pay bills etc. I have even started watching crappy daytime TV shows. How can I get back on track?

You are experiencing a very common end of year phenomenon among students. That last push up assignment hill, can feel tough. It is so easy to get caught up in transient thoughts and feelings that lead to avoiding doing study and many of us go through this dilemma.

Have a look at some tips from other students on improving motivation, modifying environment;  attitudes; managing emotions. You can  check out other links there on time management.

Perhaps studying at home provides too many distractions and you might consider other options like using the library. Also don’t expect to sit down and do four hours straight study. It is necessary to take short breaks each hour to move about and give your body and brain a breather. Try 50 mins study, then a 10min break and don’t try to do this for longer than three hours at a go. It is also important to reward yourself AFTER you have done a part of the assignment, or finished an allocated time. Remember to reward yourself as this will encourage you to carry on and stay motivated.

Remind yourself why you chose to be at uni and do the course you are in. It can be useful to ask yourself “What do I value about my course or my achievement in doing the work?”<

Other useful questions to ask yourself are:
- Does this course allow me to get into a career I want?
- In what way will my life be better as a result of having the satisfaction of knowing I was able to apply myself and finish something I started?
- How will I feel if I let this opportunity slip through my fingers and is this what I want?

Make sure you are feeding your brain correctly with a variety of healthy food such as fish and vegetables, and also getting regular exercise to stay active.  The fact that you are looking at ways to get back on track now is helpful and gives you a great head start.

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Smoking weed

October 23, 2009 – 1:05 pm

A few years ago when I was heavily into weed I had a really bad experience, hearing voices, thought someone was after me etc. I haven’t touch any bongs since then but since starting Uni this year, my friends smoke a bit when we go out and I have had a few puffs. I am worried starting it again and having a breakdown. Is this likely to happen?

You are right to be concerned, I am glad you are paying attention to your wellbeing and realise you need to be aware of this issue.

Over the last decade there has been a transformation in views from one that saw cannabis as a relatively benign and naturally occurring plant, to understanding its very real and substantial risks and links to mental illness. This has coincided with a change in the nature of the production of the plant through the use of hydroponics and related methods, resulting in extremely strong forms of the drug being available.

Cannabis is a psychoactive substance, which means its key element THC travels in the bloodstream to the brain. Its use can result in a drug induced psychosis, where the user loses contact with reality and experiences disturbing hallucinations, delusions, memory loss and confusion. Such symptoms usually appear quickly and last a relatively short time (a few days), until the effects of the cannabis completely wear off.

However if someone has a predisposition to a psychotic illness such as schizophrenia, use of drugs such as cannabis may trigger what can become a lifelong, disabling condition. There is increasing evidence that regular cannabis use precedes and causes higher rates of chronic psychotic illness.

In addition, for those who already have a psychotic illness, cannabis use generally makes symptoms worse and lowers the chances of recovery from a major episode. People with a psychotic illness who use cannabis experience more delusions, hallucinations and other symptoms. They have a higher rate of hospitalisation, and treatment is generally less effective.

Given what you describe of your experience, I would strongly urge you to minimise use of this drug. It may be that if you use it you will experience an episode of drug induced psychosis. Or it may go further and trigger an ongoing psychotic illness. The risk seems too high to mess around with.

If you are having trouble avoiding use, or want more detailed advice, there are services and information available:

Just Ask Us is a 24/7 online network with information, tools and advice specifically for University students with drug, alcohol, health and wellbeing issues.

Counselling Online provides free 24 hour web based treatment, information and support on all drug related matters.

Turning Point Alcohol and Drug Centre in Fitzroy provides a wide range of specialist treatment and support services to people affected by alcohol and drug use.

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