Not sure how to raise ‘the talk’

I’ve dated this guy for about 2 months now. We hang out once or twice a week because he works and I’m studying full time. We feel comfortable in our own skin to just be who we are around each other. I want to make it last so I’m taking it slow, but I’ve never had a relationship before, and I have no idea how he is feeling! He is far more confident than I am and yet hasn’t raised anything about where he thinks this relationship is going and I guess it makes me really nervous that maybe I’m not as important to him as he is to me. How do I raise this with him? In person/phone? What do I say?

Thanks for your question, the start of a relationship can be a wonderful time, but it’s natural to find this conversation difficult. Try not to assume that you’re not as important to him because he hasn’t raised the question himself. Sometimes two people in a relationship will take things at a different pace, or see it in a slightly different way, even if it’s equally important to both of you. This is why it’s so important to have an open and honest conversation, so that you’re not making assumptions. If you have questions about his feelings and/or the relationship and a genuine need for an answer, then it’s a good idea to broach it in whatever way you feel comfortable.

There’s no right or wrong way to have this talk, and no script that you can follow. If there were, it would be a lot easier! Here are a few things to consider:
– It can be helpful to think about how you’re feeling and where you want the relationship to go before asking that of him.
– Be clear about what you’re asking him and what it is you want to know. Sometimes when you’re nervous it’s easy to ask a question in such a vague way that the other person doesn’t understand what you’re asking and you then don’t get a proper answer.
– If it does turn out that he doesn’t see the relationship going in the same way that you do, make sure you take some time to think about what this means for you. This can be painful news but important to know.

Finally, there may not be any way to raise this conversation without it being scary, and that’s ok. Acknowledge these emotions as genuine, and recognise that being vulnerable is often a necessary part of developing a relationship.

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Can you help with my fear of failing?

I’ve failed 5/6 subjects this year and technically I am 2nd year but its my first year at Uni Melb.I have recently moved to Australia and I undertook 40+ hours of paid work per week but I reduced that when I felt like I was letting go of my studies.I dealt with depression during the first semester and I felt like I had coped with that much better in 2nd semester. I am so scared that I am going to be kicked out or be put on suspension. I really want to remain in my degree and work to get the grades I know I can get but I am really worried what the UPC meeting will result

Thanks for your question. It sounds like you have been going through a difficult time and I praise you for your strength, perseverance and motivation to do well. Things can often mount up at university, especially when we’re away from home. It seems like you have been working incredibly hard to support yourself financially, and through depressed mood; both of which can be incredibly challenging issues, difficult to manage on their own! It is completely reasonable and normal that academic performance drops when we have less family and community support. Don’t forget that you are also adapting to a new/different culture, way of life, and teaching and studying methods, all of this in a foreign language! This is a process that many international students go through, and academic performance dropping can typically add to both depressed and anxious mood, and also not knowing what to do about it. This can be a confusing and frustrating time.

You aren’t alone in this journey, and there are numerous ways forward. First of all however, it is imperative that you attend your CSU hearing and be as honest and dedicated as you appear to be. Expressing your willingness to work hard and improve your academic performance is important. Before, during and indeed after the meeting, it is important to remain as calm as possible. Some ways to do this are basic circular breathing to calm the body and mind, and further relaxation exercises, which can be accessed from the Counselling and Psychological services website or this link.

Further to the above, there are more official options for you to investigate in order to aid with enrolment, special consideration and advocacy. As you experienced depressed mood earlier this year, this would have physically affected your ability to concentrate,motivate and daily functioning, all of which are incredibly necessary to study. Getting into STOP 1 is a priority to possibly apply for special consideration if this occurs in the future, and contacting Student Advocacy through the University of Melbourne Students Union. To help ongoing management of mood issues and anxiety, you may also want to book in with us here at the Counselling and Psychological Services.

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Stressed about failing!

I am an international student studying architecture. Ever since I failed one prerequisite subject, I can’t focus on studying as I fear I will fail again. I delay doing my assignments, but still think and worry about them. Sometimes I stress to a point where I find it difficult to breath and I get a headache. I tell myself that I will get better. Now I have failed all my subjects. What should I do, in order to continue my course?

Thanks for writing in to Ask Counselling. This sounds like a stressful situation.

Stress is natural, and in the right amount it can be helpful in increasing motivation and focus.  When it reaches a certain level however, it can lead to loss of concentration, sleep disturbance and agitation, which can then affect your marks.

It sounds like it’s important for you to learn how to manage your stress so it doesn’t have such an impact on your performance and wellbeing in the future.  This is a skill that can be improved over time, and is useful for everyone.  I recommend making an appointment at Counselling and Psychological Services, so you can get some one-on-one help in understanding your personal stress and how to deal with it.

In the meantime, here are some tips you may find helpful:

  • Reduce your demands – do you need to reduce work hours or study load, or perhaps say no to other demands on your time?
  • Schedule your time effectively – knowing how much time you need to study helps you be more efficient, and enjoy your free time with less guilt.
  • Maintain your health – get enough sleep, eat well and exercise regularly.
  • Spend your free time well – laugh, see friends, have fun, or just relax on your own.
  • Watch your self-talk – expecting yourself to be perfect, focusing on worst case scenarios or putting yourself down will increase stress.
  • Ask for help when you need it!

Try here for some more tips on stress management and relaxation.

Regarding your question about continuing your course, staff at Stop 1 can provide you with advice on your course structure. Also, if you receive a letter requesting that you attend a Course Unsatisfactory Progress Committee (CUPC) meeting, it is important that you do not ignore it and make every effort to attend. You can seek further advice here or by contacting Advocacy at the Student Union.

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Help! Is the world over?

I’m having difficulty managing my anxiety about the state of the world at the moment. I’m feeling really frustrated and anxious about global warming, world terrorism, and the refugee crisis. I don’t know where to start with my thoughts about Trump! I’m starting to feel like there’s no point. What can I do?

Wow, that’s a lot to manage on your own! I can’t argue with you as there are challenging issues in the world at the moment.  With the readily available information on mass, and social, media it can become overwhelming.  When we give repeated attention to negative and worrying matters, we tend to forget other positive, yet equally important, things are happening all around us. A biased focus on upsetting issues can eventually affect our perception of the world, self and others.  It can also affect our mood.  It is important to become aware when this happens and deliberately turn your attention to more positive information. Have a look at this website of positive news to help you gain a more balanced perspective.

It would be hard to change the whole world, however there are certainly things you can do to help make it a better place. Why not have a look at Avaaz?  Avaaz is a campaigning community that helps bring a voice to people that work on addressing many global issues. You might be interested in becoming a member, talking to others with a similar interest/passion as yours, or simply find comforting this information about how people contribute or help advance such causes. You might not control the way others behave, but you can create some change by being a positive role model. For example, you could attend rallies or volunteer with organisations such Medecins Sans Frontieres, the Asylum Seeker Resource Centre or GetUp!. This way, you would be with people who share similar interests, making a difference in the lives of those around you, and gaining a sense of purpose doing something you believe in.

If you are stuck in a cycle of negative thinking, try mindfulness exercises to give yourself a break from these thoughts. There are plenty of resources on our website or you can book an appointment with a counsellor if you wish.

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Career choices: I’m uncertain about my career and degree can you help?

I have one semester left before I graduate and I feel very anxious about the future. I am uncertain as to the kind of career I want to pursue. I also don’t think my personality suits the type of career my degree offers. It’s also hard for me to find a job because I don’t feel enthusiastic at all and I don’t want to pretend that I am. Without a goal it’s very hard for me to keep going. I partly enjoy what I am studying now, but it’s not fulfilling.

Towards the end of a degree, we are faced with the realities of starting work in our field.  It is common to reflect upon who we are and consider how this fits with a career in our field of study.  It sounds like you have been working through this process.  It is reasonable that this knowledge has brought anxiety for the future and difficulty moving forward with a clear goal.

Perhaps it is helpful to consider this challenge differently?  Many theories of career development state that people will enjoy and perform well at a career if there is a match between their personality and their career choice.  It seems as though you have already thought a great deal about your interests and personality.  You have also explored some career options.  This is a good place to start as you consider your way forward.  It may also be helpful to consider that most people now experience several careers over the course of their lives, and it is common to try different work roles as we work towards a career that we feel fulfilled by.

There are different ways to explore career pathways.  The University of Melbourne offers appointments with career advisors and course planners.  Students can attend a short drop in session at Stop One, or make a longer appointment using the Student Advising System.  You might also consider whether there are mentor figures or professionals within your faculty who can offer some insight into the industry. Alternatively, many people choose to try Career Counselling.  Career Counsellors provide support for people to understand their own personality, interests and values and to learn about careers that match with these.  Whilst there is usually a cost involved, you might view it as a helpful investment that ultimately saves time and money when compared with a “hit and miss” approach.

If you are feeling distress from your experience, an appointment at CAPS may help you manage your thoughts and feelings during this time.

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Freaking out at unsatisfactory results, what shall I do?

I went online today to reenrol for next year only to discover that unsurprisingly my progress has been deemed unsatisfactory, as I failed three of my four subjects one of which I was repeating from the first semester. It’s killing me and to say I’m freaking out is putting it mildly. I’ve just done my first year and don’t have a clue what to do if they make me leave. It would help if someone could explain the upcoming appeal process and what are my chances of not being kicked out?

Hi there!  It’s great you wrote in and we can give you some guidance on your situation.

You have two parts to your Ask Counselling question. The first is the administrative part, and you need to contact Stop 1 about the university processes related to unsatisfactory progress. The second is your emotional wellbeing. I see that you were not surprised by the “unsatisfactory” result.  I also see that you are “freaking out” and it’s “killing you”.  It sounds like you are experiencing a strong emotional response to this outcome.  That is not surprising!

Let me encourage you to avail yourself of the support services of the university to help with your emotional and educational needs.  Counselling is available here at CAPS, we have drop-in every day at 2.00 pm so please call if you would like psychological support.  Stop 1 and the Student Union Advocacy Service can assist with your unsatisfactory progress questions.  Academic Skills is there to help you with your study skills.

The key message for you to take away, is that now is a time to gain as much information about your situation as possible and if you wish, link into the supports that are available to students at the University of Melbourne.

Wishing you all the best in your endeavours.

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Lost with no direction.

I started university with the thought of expanding my knowledge of Psychology because I thought I was passionate about it. But my results these past two years haven’t been improving and I feel my ‘passion’ is a passing interest. I’m still trying to find out what I’m naturally good at but I only have a year left.  What is the next step? Where do I go from here?

Thank you for this question – it is an important one for many students as well as yourself. It is often difficult to know which path to take academically. Often “trial and error” is a useful strategy but can be difficult to bear. Starting with something you are interested in is motivating and often an essential starting point to finding out what you might continue to study.

People often put pressure on themselves to find a particular career that they are passionate about and good at.  However not everyone finds a ‘calling’ in life. Many people simply find something interesting that they think they will like well enough, and then through time and experience they develop a passion for it.  It’s also important to remember that in many cases, the experience of studying a subject and the experience of working in the field are extremely different, and require different skills. Psychology is a broad topic and  you may not be interested in all aspects of it.

Passion is not always enough to lead to good marks, and you don’t have to be ‘naturally’ good at something in order to develop the skills you need.  Many students are surprised at how difficult it can be to attain high marks at the University of Melbourne. Not achieving high marks need not be the only measure of whether to continue with a subject. There may be other factors that have affected your ability to study and it would be important to explore these. If you think your results may have been affected by life changes or emotional reasons you could speak with one of the counsellors at Counselling and Psychological Services.

Another avenue of exploration would be to consult with your teachers and tutors to help identify the skills you  need to improve  your results.  Academic Skills is another source of help and advice. Seeking help to define and attain your goals and achieve the success you want can be an important personal skill to develop. I hope this response is a helpful to you in your quest to find the direction that suits you.

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Where is my sense of self?

I feel disconnected from everything I do, as though I could change to the opposite of what I am, without consequence. I don’t want a relationship, I just want to meet people to connect with. Everyone who I’m in contact with, I honestly hate. I know three people whom I love with all my heart, but am not in constant contact with any of them, to avoid deterring them. I feel empty, but not sad. Why?

Thank you for your question. It sounds like you have been thinking deeply about yourself and your relationships, and searching for meaning and connection.  You seem to be very socially aware and can adapt your ways of relating to connect with others….this is a social strength and a good connecting skill, not necessarily a fake way of communicating. There are lots of reasons for feeling this way: you may have been emotionally hurt in past, you may not have received acknowledgement for your endeavours, you may be shy, uncertain or experience self-doubt.  Whatever has happened, you can try and retain hope that things can change.

Here are some ideas of things you can try:

  • What do you like about yourself, what do the three people who you love like about you, how would they describe you, what are you passionate about, what do you value?
  • Explore what sort of person you would like to be. A good strategy to get to know or understand ourselves better is to answer the statement “I am…” twelve times. You might find that the last answers reflect who you aspire to be.
  • Show yourself some compassion and find someone who is nurturing towards you. Surround yourself with people that make you feel good and reduce contact with those who bring up negative feelings.
  • Think about a time when you felt a positive connection to someone: what was happening, what you were doing/saying/feeling. Use this experience to help you choose similar situations and get more of these positive events happening in your life.

Self-doubt is a normal and challenging quality to deal with and can cloud our judgement of ourselves. If you wanted to explore these ideas further it is a good idea to talk with a professional. You can make an appointment with one of our counsellors at CAPS. It’s a free service.

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Why am I disheartened about finishing my degree?

I am only weeks away from graduating in my Masters degree, but I am feeling somewhat unexpectedly disheartened, down and lacking a plan for my future. I should actually feel happy and upbeat, I suppose, but looking forward I just see problems coming.

What you describe is actually quite a common experience for students close to completing their degree.  There are lots of possible reasons why you may be feeling this way.

Firstly I want to point out that every transition can foreshadow a feeling of loss, and perhaps anxiety in many of us.  Most likely you have been in education since you were five years old.  Leaving can engender sad feelings.  I recommend you mark this “milestone” in a meaningful and fun ritual. Maybe plan for a break before you take the next step.

What comes after graduation is a challenge, as the entry into the work force has many unknowns.  However, the way that we approach uncertainty influences the amount of stress we experience, so try to see the uncertainties ahead as a challenge to embark upon, with opportunities for positive experiences.

Maybe you feel disheartened because you are envisaging future difficulties, decisions to be made, applications to be written, etc. If you don’t have a plan, now would be the time to start to make one! Start with soul searching about your dreams, and then develop a plan from there.

Of course, you could get assistance with exploring your individual issue by coming to face-to-face counselling at our Service.

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How should I stop feeling inadequate in study?

Hi, I am in second year now and I felt like I did not perform well enough academically. I think this is more of a psychological issue since my actual results are average (about low H2B). I know that grades do not determine who I am and who I will be, but I just have this high expectation for myself that I need to do very well in school. I always believed that I should have done better (My parents are very supportive though, and put no pressure on me). My current performance is making me feel that I am inadequate. How should I adjust this feeling?

It seems that this issue is causing you some inner conflict! On one hand you consider your results to be sufficient, but on the other hand you believe that your academic performance should be better. While it’s great that you feel your grades do not define who you are or what your future will hold, it seems that your high expectations are leading you to feel inadequate at the moment. This is a useful question to bring to Ask Counselling, as it is common for students to place immense pressure on themselves to achieve certain standards.

Sometimes this internal pressure to perform is very motivating. However, if your standards are unrealistic or particularly demanding they can be harmful and indicative of perfectionism. It can be useful to think about the cost of these high expectations on your wellbeing. Are they making you feel stressed, low and/or worried? Are they impacting other areas of your life, like sleep or relationships? You can read more about the impact of perfectionism and unrealistic standards here  and here .

Here are some useful ways to begin to adjust these feelings:

  • Try setting more realistic and appropriate goals for yourself. To make sure that these goals are attainable, try basing them on what you have achieved in the past. It can also be helpful to consider which tasks are more important than others, in order to prioritise some tasks over others and lower your expectations for the less important tasks.
  • Reassess how you define success; it is more than just a final mark! For example, you could ask yourself how enjoyable the task was or how much you learnt whilst completing it. It can also be helpful to recognise the growth potential in making mistakes or receiving constructive feedback from others.
  • Think about what else you value in life. Focusing on your values can be an effective way of living a meaningful and purposeful life. Research has shown that the closer you live according to your values the happier you are. Ask yourself what else is important to you and if your high standards are helpful in living a life according to these values.

Of course, if you want to explore this further (and it seems to be a good way to go about it) please feel free to come and discuss this with a counsellor at our Service. Here is the link to how to book appointments.

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