I’ve dated this guy for about 2 months now. We hang out once or twice a week because he works and I’m studying full time. We feel comfortable in our own skin to just be who we are around each other. I want to make it last so I’m taking it slow, but I’ve never had a relationship before, and I have no idea how he is feeling! He is far more confident than I am and yet hasn’t raised anything about where he thinks this relationship is going and I guess it makes me really nervous that maybe I’m not as important to him as he is to me. How do I raise this with him? In person/phone? What do I say?
Thanks for your question, the start of a relationship can be a wonderful time, but it’s natural to find this conversation difficult. Try not to assume that you’re not as important to him because he hasn’t raised the question himself. Sometimes two people in a relationship will take things at a different pace, or see it in a slightly different way, even if it’s equally important to both of you. This is why it’s so important to have an open and honest conversation, so that you’re not making assumptions. If you have questions about his feelings and/or the relationship and a genuine need for an answer, then it’s a good idea to broach it in whatever way you feel comfortable.
There’s no right or wrong way to have this talk, and no script that you can follow. If there were, it would be a lot easier! Here are a few things to consider:
– It can be helpful to think about how you’re feeling and where you want the relationship to go before asking that of him.
– Be clear about what you’re asking him and what it is you want to know. Sometimes when you’re nervous it’s easy to ask a question in such a vague way that the other person doesn’t understand what you’re asking and you then don’t get a proper answer.
– If it does turn out that he doesn’t see the relationship going in the same way that you do, make sure you take some time to think about what this means for you. This can be painful news but important to know.
Finally, there may not be any way to raise this conversation without it being scary, and that’s ok. Acknowledge these emotions as genuine, and recognise that being vulnerable is often a necessary part of developing a relationship.