I’ve fallen in love, now what?

I’ve never had a long-term relationship but over the past week I’ve started hanging out with a guy who I met through my book club. But now it’s a period of anxiety where I’m trying to be my authentic self but also, put my best foot forward and not come off as too strong. How do I not mess it up?

The early part of a relationship where there is both possibility and uncertainty about the future can be exciting and terrifying and wonderful and awful! These feelings are a normal experience whenever you have strong feelings for someone and are to be embraced as unfortunately it’s not possible to ‘skip ahead’. There also isn’t any specific advice I can give you that will ensure you don’t ‘mess it up’. Sometimes things don’t work without it being anyone’s fault, such as when two people just want different things or are not compatible.

Being your authentic self is important, as ultimately if the two of you are honest and open about who you are, what you want, and how you feel, then you will be able to figure out if this is right for both of you. This requires being vulnerable however, which is often very scary. It’s difficult to define what ‘too strong’ means, as this will be different for everyone. If your feelings are stronger than his than that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with how you are coming across, just that the two of you are not in the same place. This is painful, but it’s important not to blame yourself.

You mention that you’ve been hanging out for the past week, which means there is still a lot more for the two of you to discover about each other. Try not to focus just on how you are coming across and what he wants, but also continue to recognize what it is that you need and want in a relationship.

Remember to also ensure you are engaging in other areas of your life that are important to you and who you are. Spending time with good friends, studying hard, looking after yourself and doing things you enjoy will help to increase your resilience and emotional wellbeing during this time. Remember that this period of anxiety doesn’t last forever, try to enjoy the fun parts and look after yourself when it gets tough.


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