I’ve been out for 10 years now and have helped numerous people over that period find their niche, but I still don’t feel like I have found mine. I actually feel like at home I’m ‘too gay’ and then with my friends, most of whom are straight, I am ‘not gay enough.’ I don’t fit any of the stereotypes which I initially thought is a good thing, but, whenever I am forced to watch Queer Eye or RuPaul I feel like it’s not me, and that everyone around me is kind of disappointed that I’m not that kind of person. I think this has also prevented me from ever having a boyfriend or successfully dating. I’m proud of who I am, but I feel like the community to which I so badly want to be a part, reject me.
Although you mention that you are proud of your identity as a gay person, it sounds as though you are struggling with self-acceptance which may be stopping you from fully embracing your sexuality and pursuing meaningful intimate relationships. Sometimes we can become stuck in narratives, labels or expectations of who we ‘should be’ (such as ‘too gay’ or ‘not gay enough’). We can lose touch with who we actually are, which prevents us from embracing and nurturing our true sense of self. It can be very tiring to keep up with social expectations of how we ought to be, and I wonder if you would feel less pressure if you could learn to ‘let go’ of those expectations and labels, and just ‘be’ with yourself. I’m wondering what tells you that others think you are ‘too gay’ or ‘not gay enough?’ Is this something that has been said or shown in their behaviour? Or is this something that you worry about yourself through comparing yourself with common stereotypes?
You mention helping others with their coming out experiences over the years, which tells me that you an empathic, compassionate person who people turn to for support. It also might suggest that you put pressure on yourself to have already ‘figured things out’ as you have been ‘out’ for some time. However, sexuality is a lifelong journey, of which coming out is just one part. It’s ok to not have all the answers, to fluctuate in your feelings, to change and to grow. Sometimes it can be helpful to imagine a friend coming to you with a similar issue to the one you are facing. How would you respond? Try approaching yourself as you would a dear friend, with acceptance, compassion and love.
Another way of developing awareness of unhelpful expectations and fostering acceptance is to develop a mindfulness practice, which involves paying attention to the present moment, on purpose and without judgement. Many people who practice mindfulness find that, over time and with regular practice, they can develop a more compassionate and accepting relationship to their thoughts and emotions, therefore becoming less stuck in unhelpful thoughts and narratives. There are many mindfulness resources and apps out there – you might like to try Smiling Mind, Headspace or 1 Giant Mind.
If you feel like you would like to discuss your concerns in more depth with a counsellor, our website lists a range of available resources for LGBTQI+ counselling. We also have a LGBTQI+ counsellor at University of Melbourne Counselling and Psychological Services.