Another Arts degree-wielding blogger (Jennifer)

Hullo friends!  I’m Jennifer, and I’m making a not-so-fashionably late entrance to the first year blog.  Like half the population of the University of Melbourne, I’m studying Arts.  (Disclaimer: Please don’t hold this against me.  I acknowledge that there is a higher proportion of wankers studying Arts than in most other courses.  Get the chai-tea jokes out of your system and move on.  I did.)
  I’m doing a double major in psychology and French, as well as a diploma of Japanese.  Sweet!  At the end of my studies, I’m hoping to become a clinical psychologist, and specialise in infant mental health. Long-term plans include going to Europe and finding a nice Croatian boy* who will share his bicycle with me. 

As I mentioned before, this first entry is a bit belated, so I’m not sure if I can add anything scintillating in terms of the orientation experience.  What I can offer instead are five O-week tips.  

1.      Learn to discern good freebies from miscellaneous crap.  One group advertised ‘free water!!!’, presumably as a bid to lure anyone excited by the word ‘free’ and gratuitous exclamation marks.  Now, as a student straddling the poverty line at any given time, I am all for free things.  But advertising ‘free water’ is just like offering ‘free oxygen’, i.e. obviously fallacious.  I’m an Arts student, but not a complete moron. 

 2.      Prepare to receive an unnecessary amount of condoms.  More condoms than Jude Law himself could possibly get through in a twelve-hour period, even on a good night.  This I had anticipated.  What I had not anticipated was the Nando’s condom.  In fact, I’m still unclear as to what message Nando’s was trying to give.  ‘Welcome to Uni, go have a good cluck’?  ‘Have a post-coital double breast burger** on us’?  ‘Does your peeny-weeny need some peri-peri?’ 
Seriously, don’t open your showbags on the train, and if you do, try not to giggle vacuously when you find yourself with a handful of condoms.  A fellow commuter did, and she looked like a raging nympho. 

 3.      Do a tour of the library.  It’s not nerdy or socially awkward; it’s mind-blowingly informative and you won’t look like an idiot next time you need to locate the microform collection.  Plus you get to suss out the bathrooms (compelling graffiti), printing system (handy) and photocopy room (self-explanatory).  The lady who showed us around was so pleasant and happy, and the other staff seemed so utterly at peace with the world as they gave directions to us fresh-faced first-years, that I began to think that the Baillieu library was actually some kind of nirvana.  Not sure if this zen atmosphere extends past O-week.  We will see. 

  4.      Ask for directions.  Melbourne University is a big place, akin to, say, a large rabbit warren.  Yes, you’re at the bottom of the proverbial food chain.  Everyone is going to snicker at your perverse enthusiasm and rampant textbook-buying.  But deep down, they’re all willing to help.  If you’ve just drunk your body weight in coffee, don’t wee your pants after trying to locate a bathroom for fifty minutes.  (Day one: I almost did.)  Just ask somebody.  They’re all friendly people***. 

 5.      Talk to people.   Unless your closest friends from secondary school are all doing the same course, with exactly the same subjects as you (in which case, how very Heathers of you…), it is inevitable: you will be forced to socialise with people you’ve never met before.  Sure, it’s intimidating when you are first thrust into that yum cha of awkwardness on your first day, but stop hyperventilating and look around.  Find a friend (or frenemy).  You don’t have to marry them.  You don’t even have to like them.  But O-week is a good opportunity to meet people, so just do it. 
(Note: be discerning.  Saying, “Hi, I’m Bambi!”  or, “I love your shoes!”**** for instance, are acceptable ways to start a conversation.  Conversely, if you approach a stranger by telling them, “I have genital herpes” or “I’m thinking of starting a nunchucks club”, you will simply appear to have a personality disorder.)

 And I think that’s about it, really.  Today was my first ‘real’ day with proper lectures; nothing particularly eventful there.  More later.  When an event occurs, perhaps.  Adios.

  

* Similarly, a nice French boy who rides a Vespa à la Nino Quincampoix in Amélie would do just fine. 

 ** A chicken burger ostensibly containing an extra breast.  (Not some kind of mammary abnormality.  Calm down, boys.  Incidentally I read the other day that Lily Allen has a third nipple.  Weird.)

 *** Except the woman on a bicycle, who yelled “MOVE!” before running down a Malaysian girl.  That was mean. 

 **** Note: this comment should probably not be instigated by a heterosexual male.  Actually, try your luck, and let me know how it goes.