Home then back again, kapow! (Juliet)

The holidays are nearly over and the slog begins again. Or so I whine. It has been a lovely winter break and I must admit I have mixed emotions about the semester ahead. I’m so used to waking up late in the morning with the sun streaming-in through the blinds in my old bedroom, with the smell of already-cooked porridge wafting down the hall and my mum’s warm but kooky smile greeting me over the geraniums. I’m not even kidding, this is what home life is. It’s making me wonder why I ever left home to come to Melbourne and study in a city that is undeniably so much colder than Brisbanian climate and more ‘alien’ to me than ever before. But the heart does what the heart does. I guess I was lured forward by a sense of adventure or my own romanticised notions of university life. In any case, I moved out of home at the ripe old age of seventeen to come study in Australia’s no. 1 university and despite my complaints about the weather and such, I have #noregrets. Okay, I realise I sound pretty full of myself at this point, but I won’t deny that the past half-year has been a hard slog. Not only was schoolwork more intense than I anticipated, the hardest part was fighting off the waves of loneliness that’d gnaw at me.

But here I am, I survived. And I managed to pass my stats subject last semester which is actually a freakin’ blessing. I’m not sure if now is the time to be worrying about Mathematics for Biomedicine or Physics 2 which I’ve heard are ‘like way intense, man’ (what joy), but maybe give me a few more hours of denial while I finish procrasti-watching Game of Thrones.

Let’s just say that besides the R&R I’ve been indulging in over the past few weeks at home (sleep, shop, eat, repeat) I’ve also been doing a lot of reflecting, adjusting, and umm stripping-back-my-soul-and-self-esteem-to-evaluate-the-mess-there-and-decide-how-best-to-reaffirm-faith-in-myself-and-shunt-it-out-into-the-light. If you’re still with me, good job.

Yes, after realising that I hadn’t really “gone for it” the way I should have from the start of Semester 1, I am now intent on doing some kind of turn-around. Sure, I may have suffered from a bit of city-shock and homesickness over first semester, but now is the time when I need to push myself. I need to be making those friendship connections, finding those opportunities, getting a job, living by that age-old adage which declares ‘do something that scares you everyday.’ This is the time for me to be makin’ my life, probably minus the swagger.

I’m scared as hell because I think I’m too late. This is the thing. I should have challenged myself into doing things outside my comfort-zone from the get-go, should have stood tall from Semester 1, but as always I defaulted to shy-girl who is only too comfortable to remain in the background for the rest of her days. This simply can’t go on. I have to realise that this is a dog-eat-dog world and as a young female student with no connections, I have to ‘get out there’.

This isn’t going to be easy. Leaving the comfort of home and familiar quiet life to be back in Melbourne and starting semester 2 of the next stage in life. I sound like I’m dreading it, but I’m full of this weird combination of positive and negative energy. This time ’round, I’m armed with some raw life lessons and hopefully I can “be as I wish to seem” (thanks Socrates). Will this be my new kapow factor? Will I be happy? Will I embarrass myself completely then pick myself up again? Who knows.

Full steam ahead I guess.

(Juliet)

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