Aimee's Guide to Getting Lost In Style
First, let me just say, I’m so happy that you’ve come back for post No #2 of my blog! Seriously, my heart – if you can picture it – is filling up with joy!
And, now… time for introductions!
My name’s Aimee (just in case you missed it!) and I’m one of the many kind-of-excited but also kind-of-terrified first year Arts students who has just undertaken the adventure of a lifetime and begun their study at Melbourne Uni. My mission: to provide five minutes of laughter (and yes, sometimes tears!) to all my reader buddies (You don’t mind if I call you that, right? – Thanks, I thought not!) and remind them, above all, that they’re not the only ones who sometimes find themselves feeling a teensy bit confused, bewildered or just generally in a ‘What the Hell am I doing here?’ kind of mood. I know I do. (We’ll keep that just between us, shall we?)
This brings me to my topic for this week: getting lost! It’s something which becomes a surprisingly integral part of your existence once you end up at a big beautiful campus like Melbourne. And, even more surprisingly, they’ve yet to publish a manual for how to do it successfully. (Weird, eh?) Luckily, I’m here, with a few tips to help you turn getting lost into an art-form! Take it from me, I’m a pro!
So here we have it: Aimee’s Guide to Getting Lost in Style!
STEP 1: Lose the hard-copy map! Nothing says ‘HELP ME, I’M LOST!’ like a big square of paper which gets humiliatingly glued to your face in the wind. And you don’t want to seem lost, do you? Rip it into a million pieces, burn them and then throw the ashes into the sea. All done? Good. Let’s continue…
STEP 2: Get out your smart-phone.
STEP 3: While using your smart-phone, be careful not to walk into anything… No really. It’s amazing how many first years hold phones so close to their faces that they forget to watch where they’re going and smash straight into other people/buildings. I’ll leave it to you to guess which especially talented and coordinated person managed to face-plant against a pole. (Guaranteed duck-lips without the botox– who doesn’t dig that crash!?)
STEP 4: While stopping (so that you don’t bump into things, remember? 🙂 ) instead of looking like you’re lost and reading a map, pretend to be reading a naughty Instagram from your boyfriend/girlfriend (or your best mate if you prefer) and laugh loudly. The people around you will never guess! Just make sure you don’t laugh too loud or they might ask questions…
STEP 5: If you take a wrong-turn, don’t forget the art of U-turning with finesse! Before turning yourself back around, check your phone (or, if you’ve got a taste for vintage, like me, your watch!), whistle a bit, take in the sights and look chilled. Now, you may turn…
STEP 6: Still totally lost and time’s running out? Time to admit defeat and ask for help. Just be careful who you ask. EXAMPLE: The other week I was running around like headless poultry in an atrium PACKED with people and I managed to ask directions from a brand new, first year, International student who barely spoke any English. On the downside, I didn’t get very far. On the plus-side, get lost and you’ll make heaps of new friends!
STEP 7: When in doubt, take a detour and walk into the wrong classroom. Trust me, this one’s a must! I gave it a try in my second week and found it to be a thoroughly enriching experience. Instead of Linguistics, I ended up in Law in Society and brightened up everyone’s day by first, walking in late and then, running out again in a panic, because I’d just remembered that I wasn’t actually studying Law…
STEP 8: If it’s been more than ten minutes, you’re still lost and you’re unforgivably late for class, you have my permission to cry. Raise your head dramatically to the sky (like that blondie in ‘Frozen’ when she sings ‘Let It Go’), throw your arms out wide and howl, “WHY ME!!!???” (Everyone together now!) Alternatively, count to ten and then yell every single rude word you can think of and then make some up. (My personal favourites are ‘Cloff-prunker!’ and ‘Son of a motherless goat!’) You’ll soon feel heaps better!
STEP 9: You finally found your class – well done you! (If you didn’t, well done anyway for trying – now repeat steps 1-8, this time with another first year friend to help you.) Now sit back, enjoy what’s left of your class, then go grab coffee with a mate and tell them all about your adventure.
After all, on your own, you are just another helplessly lost first year. But, when you share your story, you become the latest lost-in-first-year celebrity with courage, humanity and, potentially, a very bright future in stand-up comedy!
So long for now!