why is my chest so heavy? (entry 03)

its officially the last week of my first semester at university. its also a week before i turn nineteen, a week after i had to stop watching the news to save myself and 3 days until i finish all my exams. i think if i had to describe these last few weeks, i’d use the word pressure. everything in my life feels pressured in some way, a pressure to do or not to do, to be or not to be. i must admit, i am exhausted.

i have a new job, its nice to work somewhere that doesn’t leave you halfway to becoming a mermaid, but its also out of my comfort zone. if you need to know one thing about me, its that i am extremely anxious. everything makes me nervous, and funnily enough i struggle to deal with my nerves; its a recipe for disaster. this new job requires me to teach, which i weirdly find fun (my mother is a teacher, perhaps its in my dna?) and extra income is something i will never complain about.

i also submitted my first exam of my university run, a research essay for my media and society class. its fulfilling to know after a quite lame first attempt, i have officially finished a university level class. i dont really mind what my grade comes out to be, or how it will affect my wam (something i just learnt i had to be worried about!?!!?), im just happy i actually did it. im happy i didn’t get too nervous or too sad to complete something that i am actually passionate about.

i think alot has led up to me being here, writing this blog post as a student at this university. when i was younger, i never envisioned anything for my adult life & now, i am actually really excited to grow up. i cant wait to be 19, i cant wait to be 20, i cant wait to be 21. i cant wait to wrinkle around my mouth from smiling too much, or get permanent paper cuts on my fingers from the thousands of books i will read, and most of all, i cant wait to wake up and thank my 18 year old self for being so brave; for pursuing.

high school to university is a huge jump, and it doesn’t help that everything in the world seems to be crashing down simultaneously. i feel so much for people in these situations, i try to help in any way i can, but i cant help to feel disheartened. i dont understand how this is happening in a world that i have fought so hard to see the good in, that i have fought so hard to stay in.

its june, and its pride month (happy pride everyone!). im excited for this month, its my first full pride as an adult, as someone who is openly out, and i am so grateful to be able to experience this. im so privileged to be in a situation in which i can be myself, and i am so incredibly thankful to have made it to this point.

a fun fact about me is that i am medicated for mental illness, and it is something that i haven’t talked about to many people. theres a real stigma about mental health, and getting the support to deal with it; and now, more then ever, its important to seek help. being medicated has allowed me to live a life that i otherwise would not have been able to live. i struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder, a debilitating mental health condition that affects 3% of adults in australia each year, and holds so much negative stigma and shame.

its not weak to seek help and its not a shame to admit that your chest is heavy. if you, or someone you know is struggling, reach out.

lots of love, charlie

ps: here are some helpful resources;

australian mental health helplines: https://www.health.vic.gov.au/mental-health-services/telephone-and-online-services

unimelb counselling and psychological services: https://services.unimelb.edu.au/counsel

lifeline: 13 11 14

SANE australia: 1800 187 263

pps: i love you