Chapter Eighteen: Exhaustion (~jinghan)

The final week of semester one is over, and anyone who has read my posts probably think I’m surfing a wonderful new life style, but just as the semester finishes…

I’m exhausted.

All the new people. The new style of studying. the new life style. The new expectations.

All the people I don’t see much anymore.

All the people I’ve come to know and love.

Somewhere amongst it all I lost myself.

And I was suddenly swamped by an enormous sense of loneliness.

Not because there’s no one I could turn to. But perhaps there are suddenly too many people to turn to. I want to love them all equally. So I just keep turning, turning, from one to the next to the next, turning, turning. Spilling out my heart without really letting anyone get too close. Turning, until I’m dizzy and stretched so thin…

…that I just collapsed on myself.

And cried and cried and cried, reaching out for people and pushing them away the instant they responded. The loneliness felt like my own demonic creation. And for the first time since the overwhelming first few weeks of uni I wanted to be back in some place that was old and familiar. It seems that it took me so long to learn to live with the hectic schedule and friendship bonds of high school, that it was unfair that it all had to change.

There are so many people I miss.

So many old friends to reacquaint myself with.

So many new people to learn to love.

At least holidays offers me the chance to step back from the daily surface-friendliness for a while, and to get back in touch with old friends. If you asked me what I’ve loved the most about first semester I would say “all the wonderful people that I’ve met,” without a moment’s hesitation. And, ultimately, it has been a good first semester. But it’s not natural yet. Uni still takes a lot of energy out of me.

Perhaps I’ll get a hang of it by the time I graduate.