10 things that animals can teach you about flirting
By Ebony Ciarrocchi, Class of 2016
Welcome to the world of animal courtship. Things can get pretty brutal out there in the wilderness, so to score yourself a mate, you’ve got to be the best of the best. And there’s no Tinder in the animal kingdom, so these guys have gotta go back to basics.
Basically, these animals have more game than you. So, let Mother Nature give you a few lessons in seduction, so your next Valentines Day won’t be spent alone in bed with Netflix and ice cream.
Serenade your sweetheart
If you ever find yourself up in the north of Australia just before the seasonal rains hit, you’ll be sure to hear the croaks of male frogs as they sing out to attract a mate. Male green tree frogs assume positions near nice, cool puddles, convenient for little frog eggs, and here they sing their little hearts out. Each frog is just dying to let the girls know that they’re available. When females hear a froggy song that tickles her fancy, she will seek out the male that goes with it and the two will mate. Males invest so much energy into serenading their potential partners that once they do settle down, they can be too exhausted to even follow through and get the job done. Some don’t even make it long enough to meet the girl of their dreams.
Dress to impress
This list wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t pay homage to the glorious peacock. His stunning sapphire and emerald display is put on show when it comes time to choose a mate(s). As the peacock struts around, showing off his assets, he’ll capture the attention of nearby peahens. The prettier his ensemble, the more peahens he will attract, and potentially mate with.
Lean & dab
The Victoria’s Riflebird was all about this dance craze before the internet caught on. This chap doesn’t need sweet kicks, or even a hot beat because his moves are that impressive. Each time he lifts his wings, he exposes a flash of bright blue plumage, catching the eye of a potential suitor.
Bust a move
The Red Capped Manakin would have given Michael Jackson a red hot run for his money. This little guy has mastered the moonwalk, putting your dorky dance moves to shame. When trying to impress the ladies, he zips back and forth to the beat of his own drum. Sound is equally important to the boogie, and the manakin male can put together an ensemble of buzzes, snaps and whirrs to really wow his girl, and to warn other males to back off.
Flex your muscles
Humans aren’t the only ones drawn to brawn, as it turns out, female kangaroos are also a fan of some bulging biceps. Scientists have known for a long time that bigger roos have an advantage in terms of hierarchy and fighting, but only recently has it been found that they’re also more aesthetically pleasing to females. Just like bulky dudes at the gym, the dominate male kangaroos will pose to show off their guns.
Stand out from the crowd
This little guy knows all the tricks of the trade. Peacock spiders have the attire and the moves to win the hearts of not only female spiders, but also those of humans. Yes, that’s right, a spider. Even arachnophobes would have to admit this guy is pretty darn cute.
Treat her like a princess
Male satin bowerbirds truly do spoil their girls. The time and effort he puts into building a glorious castle filled with pretty shiny things is unbelievably impressive. This castle called a ‘bower’ is made of sticks and decorated with everything from straws to feathers. He’ll even plant flowers. The male bowerbird will maintain his bower throughout the whole year, ready for when he meets The One. But the female bowerbird is looking for a man that will treat her right, so to win her love, the male will have to go above and beyond.
- Take her out to dinner
When a rooster has his eye on a spunky chick(en), he’ll try to woo her by sharing a meal. When he finds food, he’ll call out to the female, or, if she’s extra special he might even bring it right to her feet.
Ladies, I think we’ve all established that it’s totally okay to take things into our own hands when it comes to dating. Female sloths know what’s up, they’ve been doing it for years. When she’s ready for some sweet sloth lovin’, the fearless female will let out an almighty scream to call for any males in the vicinity. Despite this very public announcement, it appears that she is still pretty picky when it comes to her baby daddy. What happens when boy meets girl isn’t yet well known, and scientists are yet to discover just what it is that makes these chosen males so darn sexy so the females.
Slap their butt?
Imagine you’re hanging out at the club with your friends. You’re just minding your own business, having a good time when smack. That creepy dude who has been lurking around your squad thinks it’s okay to plant his hand on your butt. In our world, totally not okay. In giraffe world however, this is 100% acceptable. Male giraffes are only really interested in mating with females if they’re ovulating, so he uses his head to smack her in the butt which causes her to pee. He’ll then drink her pee to find out if it’s party time. So, to the creep from the club, maybe it’s time to stop taking advice from giraffes, especially when it comes to flirting.
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you were taking notes. Ditch your swiping in favour of some of these tried and tested tactics that’ll ensure your genes get passed on to the next generation…