Dear Mr Bracks;
Dear Mr Bracks (or Steve, if we’re feeling informal);
How’s the state going? Still looking into things? Good to hear. I’m looking into things too right now, more specifically the armpit of the person standing next to me on the train. Look, I know you’re a busy man. We all are (except, naturally, the women). But, quite frankly, things are starting to teeter a little bit for you and so I decided that despite all the things you’ve got going on at the moment, you would benefit from a few hundred words of my wise counsel. Yes, I know that you don’t have much spare time at the moment whilst trying to stop the state from running out of water by the minute but you haven’t done anything about that for the last eight years you’ve been in power so I guess another three minutes won’t hurt.
One of the issues that I wanted to raise with you was that of the portfolio of Transport. Now, I know that Mr.Batchelor probably wasn’t the best launching platform from which to pick a new candidate – he has presumably gone on to a career selling used cars, a career whose prospects were no doubt enhanced by the fact that he ran a crap public transport system – and I have no doubt that your selection process was rigorous and the candidates many and capable. (Don’t you like the fact that a man with the unfortunate name of Batchelor possessed the sort of facial hair that would render most men to exactly that status for the rest of their lives?). It is, after all, a difficult and important portfolio, Transport, which involves not just building lots of new tollways and bike lanes and staring out the window but also moving hundreds of thousands of people around the state on transport that is not their own (though I think your chauffered, government-provided car comes under the jurisdiction of another portfolio). In short, whoever is in charge of transport controls the practicality and mobility of an enormous number of people in the state who are dependant upon trams, trains, buses and bicycles to move around this wonderful locality of ours. Be it far from my place to make this call, Mr.Bracks, but I think that quite possibly, when it came to Ms.Kosky, I think the monkey may have picked a rotten banana for All Victorians.
I don’t know if you’re really aware of some of the comments Ms.Kosky made a few weeks ago, but she did happen to mention somewhere along the line that she “didn’t want to run a train system”. Maybe I just misread the whole Connex thing (Suggested Slogan: Ha-Ha) as a mere blip and you really do want to piss off all the public transport users for good, but do you think that this possibly makes her a less than ideal candidate, for the TRANSPORT portfolio? Perhaps Ms.Kosky would be far better off in the water portfolio, where she could quite successfully not manage the water issue for the next three years and no-one would notice any departure from current policy. I don’t know about you, Steve, but when I am dependant upon a train system, I would quite like for the person at the head of that train system, to hold at least a passing interest in running that train system. It’s a bit like recruiting Andrew Bolt as the head of the Communist Party, or Alexander Downer to handle foreign affairs. (Hang on! You’re telling me we’ve done WHAT?!!?)…
I also see that you’re copping a bit of a hiding from BOTH papers, the Brain-Unfriendly-Little-Paper and Public-Transport-Unfriendly-Big-Paper over the whole agreement with the Police Association thingamy. People seem to think that it was a secret, underhand deal that was really only done in order to re-elect your government with the public backing of Victoria’s police who bullied you into signing it on threat of loss of public support. Look, you and I both know what really went on. It wasn’t a secret, underhand deal. It was just one of those open, honest, public and fair deals which no-one knew about and no-one got told about and no-one was very happy with, and no-one knew about it until someone blew your cover and then of course you had to tell everyone. It was one of THOSE sort of fair, open-minded deals. Let’s refer to it as the John-Howard-Ron-Walker-Nuclear-Power-Style deal.
Above all, Mr.Bracks, I can assure you of my unconditional support at the next election. I know that I can assure you of my unconditional support because no matter what the hell you do to stuff up our state (declare public transport illegal, launch enormous mudslinging contest to try and win state elections, hand over control of state treasury to the Sicilian Mafia, run completely out of fresh drinking water etc etc) I am such a dedicated lefty that I would rather kiss every member of the Transition department (men and women, lots of tongue) than vote for any party which contains Robert Doyle. This means that no matter how conservative and indecisive you become, I will still give your party preference over the Liberals. Wasn’t there meant to be a left-wing party with some hope in Hades of getting in that I could vote for? Didn’t the Labor Party used to stand for fairness and openness in government? You make me so frustrated I could hit something! Much like those Siemens trains when the brakes didn’t work.
Yours truly, smellily, frustratedly and lately,
Jez.
I don’t know, Melbourne’s public transport system kind of grows on you after a few years getting sardined in dysfunctional carriages.
PXW
http://waterstone.wordpress.com/2005/10/27/catastrophic-failure/
I’m the only person allowed to post useless irrelevant spam here.
I noticed the lack of comment moderation on this new blog.
Oh, and also – interesting to meet you at last. XD;
Mmm.. actually, I will be mean and nasty. I will disagree with you.
Well, not completely. I think your point is valid and ministers should be passionate about what they do, rather than disinterested. But at some point it has to be pointed out that Melbourne does have a pretty good public transport system. Critics point out that it is sub-par compared with the systems in places like Paris and New York, but we have to remember that our population is like a small village compared to these cities.
Melbourne is lucky to have such a great transport system – sure it has issues, but it is a given that NOTHING will ever run 100% smoothly. If a tram breaks down, it’s just bad luck. If your train is late by ten minutes, maybe you should have had a contingency plan? If you feel like a sardine at peak hour, feel happy that you are contributing to greenhouse emissions so much less than if you took the car, or if they ran more services so everybody could have a seat.
We should be grateful to have a train that takes us directly to the city, trams that go several times an hour – things that so many people around the world don’t have.
It kind of reminds me of a book I read, about women suffering childbirth injuries in Ethiopia. After being shunned from their families and communities, and in many cases suffering horrible infection, incontinence and bleeding, they would have to walk for days just to get to the hospital because there was no private OR public transport available. Many would die on their journey. These people would be overjoyed to have even a bus go a couple of times a week from their homes to the nearest city.
Grrr.. I’m sorry, it just makes me angry. Coming from Geelong where public transport was abominable (a five minute drive to school turned into a 1 hour negotiation of public transport), anybody who complains about Connex will get a slap from me! Grrrr! (but you’re ok Jez, I’m just very passionate about certain topics)
Hmm… I will be mean and nasty to Johanna, and disagree with her! And instead of writing a satirical letter, I’ll outline the issues about transport that give me the *********s (that of course stands for heebie-jeebies, people –
Melbourne is a city of over 3 and a half million people and is far from being a minnow which can rely on lack of patronage for an excuse for bad transport. Only 7% of journeys are made by public transport.
It is a spread-out city which really renders trams – great as they are within 5k of the CBD – as being completely irrelevant for most people for daily home-work-home travel and is therefore, really, reliant upon its train system, which can obviously carry far more than buses.
This train system has not undergone any major infrastructure upgrades of real note since the loop was built in the 1970s – and Melbourne’s needs have grown immensely since then. The control centre is enormously out of date, drastically cutting the amount of trains on our lines. Train lines are now needed towards developments that weren’t there in the 1970s, both east and west. There is a growing demand for a “periphery” line to link the suburbs. That idea’s nothing new. But the system is seriously starting to bulge at the seams. Might I add that for years it has been screaming for even a once-hourly, all-night service for those who work/party late. That doesn’t happen either.
Instead of actually biting the bullet, successive state governments have introduced a heavily freeway-based policy because that is the easy way out, resulting in massive car usage, environmental damage and traffic problems, especially closer into the city. We’ll have ring roads and citylinks and car crossing under the river before a cross-city rail tunnel. This is neither sustainable nor responsible governance.
Lastly, since our public transport was “Jeffed”, I have not, in my opinion, seen anything more than a self-interested system serving its own ends and putting customers second. Helpful and friendly conductors – especially useful for the disabled, elderly or those who simply are foreign to public transport and/or the city – have been replaced by metcard machines and – often – unsmiling security automons. Rises in fares have not been matched by a rise in service. Public transport shouldn’t be trying to make a profit, but trying to serve the public.
In short, Melbourne’s public transport system has been plagued by a malignant lethargy that is biting people financially now as we speak, people who shouldn’t have to be paying for petrol. The infrastructure is not enough and something needs to be done about it – yesterday.
PS – I do agree completely with your point about the 3rd world. But gee, bad governance gives me the ******s!
But Jeff Kennett is sexy…
Sorry. I have a thing for certain charismatic politicians.. my ‘stable of young studs’ includes Bill Clinton, Al Gore, Kevin Rudd and Ted Baillieu. Does this have anything to do with their policies? No. It’s simply because of how weirdly attractive they are!
But yes, I agree with you now.. there are certain basic requirements that aren’t being met – i.e. the ‘periphery’ lines as you mentioned and all-night services. These do need to happen, but unfortunately it seems that it will happen only when disaster strikes, as seems to be the trend in Victoria – i.e. don’t investigate desalinization or water recycling on a wide scale until we only have two months of water left!
So, the moral of the story is, vote Steve Bracks out because he has an ugly smile. Oh, and he is arrogant, bombastic and pig-headed. And doesn’t do things well. But the first point is obviously the most important!
I have to agree with Johanna here. I’m far more inclined towards the better-looking politicians, except when their policies completely disagree with my views. Then again, with the state of Australian politics today, I’m not likely to find a party that fits me too well anyway. >)