Chapter Seven: Iron Fisted Control (~jinghan)

Homework for the week looks like about 30 pages worth of maths problems and proofs (and that’s not including all the pages that I discarded and/or scrubbed out with the dimishing rubber on the back of my pencil), 34 geometry propositions to read courtesey of Euclid, 6 articles to read for education class, two chapters to read for optimisation, a programming language I should be learning to use, an internship placement I’m not making any progress in arranging because all the schools are on holiday…

And, man, it’s hard not to let the stress get to you.

Which I realised is one of the reasons contributing to my breakdown Monday night. I had been hoping to look over my Algebra and my Euclidean Geometry homework, but had ended up spending a few hours reading my friend’s testimony, and then was annoyed at myself for having not used the time for what I had planned to use it for.

Jinghan 1 says: All that time! It was mine mine mine! To get all my work under control, I had it all planned out and I gave away some of it to someone else!

Jinghan 2 says: Why are you so selfish?! Why are you such an awful selfish person? What matters more? People or grades? Huh? Huh? Why won’t you answer me?

The next night I’ve mutted my way though my Algebra HW and heard the satisfying click of the staple in the paper. I choose something lighter to do, copying out my scribbled notes from class in a neater way as a way to review it. A friend says “hi” on skype. The Jinghan from the night before would have been in conflict with herself. But tonight I half-heartedly do my notes on the side while engaging in interesting conversation. And as I do so, I find myself coming out of all the stress I’ve pent up inside myself by trying to be in total control of everything.

Jinghan 3 says: There. See? It’s not so bad. It’s only Tuesday, there’s not need to stress about all the things you need to finish by the end of the week because that’s what the rest of the week is for. You’ve used your time today wisely enough. Well done.

Total control, wanting it, thinking you can have it, bothering with it at all – that ain’t a blessing. That’s a damned curse. One that sets you up to start regarding everyone as an enemy – even yourself.

Oops. now I’m late for class. Got to run!