It’s week 9??

This semester’s slipped through my hands. Compared to semester one, it feels like nothing’s happened. Semester one was hell. I made so many super unhealthy choices. But I miss it so much. In semester one I had three creative writing units at once. When I chose all of them I thought I would be fine handling the workload but boy was I wrong. I got swamped by readings every week and I had to do them times three for each subject. Just one reading sometimes took me close to an hour to even read through once, let alone properly absorb or engage with, and there would be 5-6 per week. Times three subjects. I died. Then there were workshops to give feedback to and lots of pieces to write and whatnot. It felt like I was being dragged along concrete against my will with no motorcycle gear, just my raw skin with no time to heal being yanked along. I was tired tired. I’m sure I hacked off a good number of years from my lifespan trying to do last semester. 

On top of that, I was trying to be a competitive athlete. I had three to four 4am swimming training sessions and three afternoon training sessions per week. One time I got fourteen hours of sleep over three days and still went to training and school and work. I didn’t get the qualifying times I wanted anyway because surprise surprise, my body was actively breaking down. What was I even thinking? 

It was hell. But I miss it so much.

This semester I don’t have any creative writing subjects that are like the ones I did last semester, so I just don’t have anything to read. It’s gone from way too much to just nothing. Now I work less hours and train a lot less. I gave myself huge chunks of time to just sit with my uni work but now I honestly don’t know what to do with it all. I thought I would be swamped by readings again. I thought, this time I’m gonna be ready. This time I’m gonna look after myself. I’m gonna finally have the time to read to my heart’s content. 

But come this semester and there’s nothing to read. It feels so empty. I can’t believe it’s already week 9. It’s almost like I want to be swamped by readings and beaten to the ground by my 2500 word assignments because otherwise none of it feels real. When I walk around I feel a bit dreamy. Maybe I took off my skin and accidentally floated away and forgot who I am.

Or maybe this is just what being healthy feels like. Maybe I’m just not used to having eight hours of sleep every night after somehow using four and a half to do 4am training then six hours of classes then three hours’ worth of commute then three hours worth of assignments. Idk. I’ve been bullying my body in exchange for grades since before I can remember. It’s gonna take a long time to unlearn. 

Anyway, rant over, see yall later :))