Tempted the devil with my song, and got what I wanted all along.

If you can name the song, win 1000 Shannon-Points! It’s kind of irrelevant to this post. BUT I LIKE IT.

HINT: BIG DAY OUT WOAH OH MY GOSH HOORAAAAAY ETC.

And hello again, devoted and adoring readers!  Just putting it out there, you look amazing. /end_pleasantries.

If you’ve read my last blog, you will know that previously I was depressed, for reasons involving: parental pressure, detachment from boyfriend, I’d just quit one of my subjects KINDA on a whim (my whimsy is a force to be reckoned with), general feeling of insecurity in both of my homes, falling in love with The Jerk  (whom I can’t have anyway), uncertainty of what I will do for my course, etc etc etc.

I would have used the University’s Counselling Service (http://www.services.unimelb.edu.au/counsel/) but I sorta just woke up one day and decided to get over it. I know that sounds bad when I put it like that, but I can’t think of any other way to explain the way I got up, and decided to get on with it. I mean, I wasn’t eating properly (or much at all) and I was sleeping far too much or far too little (depending on the day) being generally careless and self-hating. But I found someone to confide in. Granted, not the right person (see also: The Jerk). The lovely and wonderful Jinghan also emailed me about it, and I was much relieved to see how she handled her break-up (see also: the post before mine).

What I’m trying to get at is, I had resolved to go. I was planning to book in the next morning. However I woke up that day and felt good. The next day, still good. This good-ness is ongoing. Despite the fact that I’ve broken  up with my boyfriend, who didn’t take it well.

Maybe I should have gone. Other people may not be so lucky as me, as my depression was short-lived, and it seems that I’m in the clear. Err on the side of caution, my dears.

Soooooo…. I broke up with my boyfriend of almost four years. Funny how I only very recently noticed how detached I’d become. I guess that there was physical distance (he lives back home in the ooooold country) between us, and I just took this lack of emotion as normal, or a coping mechanism or something.  Hmmnup, wrong. I’d just fallen out of love with him. I had a two week break from classes and I planned to take these two weeks as a kind of trial period… Decide whether it wasn’t in my head.

However one day in, he started talking to me about moving in with him and I sorta broke and just came out with it. Oops. He didn’t take it well… Over a week on and I’m still working to define boundaries. He still tells me he loves me. He still sends me compliments. He still hasn’t changed his facebook relationship status. I’ve been trying to convince him to get some professional help,  as after dumping him his nephew was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, his nanna has been hospitalised due to heart attacks, and he’s moving houses. It sure makes me feel like my timing was perfect.

So aside from feeling massively guilty about dumping the poor lad’s ass, I am still massively struggling with what to do with The Douchebag. That guy I have a massive thing for. And whose intentions are massively impossible to read (massively impossible doesn’t make sense, I know, I’m only rolling with a theme for a paragraph!) even when asked outright. My gut tells me he is a decent guy, gossip tells me he’s leading me on for no reason at all, my libido tells me “yes please,” and my common sense tells me I should stop talking to him altogether, and live like a saint.

I’m tired of all my white middle-class problems. They’re all relationship rubbish, and not really problems at all. They’re distracting and a pain. I should sort out what I wanna do with my career, and try to cure cancer along the way.