Caffeine addiction incoming?

A few Thursdays ago in my Korean class, I was very, very tired. My vision kept splitting and spinning, and most of the things my tutor was saying weren’t reaching my head, and my lungs had filled with heavy goop so that it was hard to breathe. I wanted to slump over and die.

I told myself to just make it to the five minute break. Then I could slump over and take a power nap. (My tutor always gives us a five minute break halfway through the two hour tutorial, which is also when she takes attendance.)

But when the time actually came, I didn’t even feel sleepy. Everyone was chattering loudly. I had my head snuggled in the crook of my elbow, but I could hear everything clearly, and the brain fog from half a minute ago had disappeared. I was vaguely annoyed. I really wanted that five minute nap.

Then my tutor announced that she would be taking attendance now. I kept my eyes closed and my head in my arms, but soon I’d have to lift it anyway. No power nap today, then. Pity.

My tutor went through the names one by one. I listened distantly.

“Pe Ti.”

(My name, Betty, in a Korean accent: harsh p sound at the start, harsh t sound in the middle.)

I listened to it with a distant, vaguely amused apathy, like it was a to-do list for the distant future, something for future Betty to lift her head to. Unrelated to me in the present.

“Pe Ti.”

I knew it was my name, just didn’t think it had anything to do with me.

“PE TI. PE TI. PE TI.”

I sat up with a start. It took me a good moment to open my eyes properly and figure out where I was or what I was looking at. My tutor was leaning over the opposite side of the table, reaching for me. Everyone else on the table and in the room was silent and looking my way.

“PE TI are you ok?”

Without waiting for an answer, she turned around and went back to the front of the room. Ticked my name off on the roll. Continued with the rest of the names.

I checked the time.

10:06.

54 more minutes. I wanted to sink into the carpet and bury myself.

—

After class, I was so tired, and my head throbbed a little even though I never get headaches, so I knew it was bad. I could barely walk myself in the direction of the library. If I didn’t concentrate hard enough on putting one foot in front of the other, I would simply crumble into the paved brick underfoot. Flesh puddle.

I made it to the cafe and ordered an iced mocha. (This entire time I’ve been going to that same cafe and ordering that same thing, I’ve been pronouncing it as mow-ka. And no one’s corrected me.

All the more reason to dig a hole and bury myself.)

I felt absolutely fine after that, like the coffee had shoved the brain fog to the borders of my brain. And it would creep back later, yes, but that was a problem for later. I felt strangely triumphant, like I’d won against myself. As if it wasn’t my own fault for going to bed at about 1am the previous night. I need to stop bullying my own body.

Last week, of my squad mates at swimming said to me, really really dramatically – Betty don’t give in! You made it through the whole of high school without coffee! Don’t give in now!

A few hours later, at random: It’s killing you!!! It’s killing you, bro! [emphatic hand gestures]

He’s a sports science/medicine type guy, also in uni. I should probably listen.


That’s all for now. Once again this was written to procrastinate doing my actual assignments, including one due on Tuesday that I haven’t started, so see you guys later