helloo helloo. (Lara)
Ummmmmmmmmm…
Well I have to make….a decision….in the next 2 or so days.
Basically my life has been a mess for almost 2 months… and it’s gotten to me really badly. It just seems like bad things come in not threes, but three-thousands. So, the decision, is whether I am going to do only 2 of my 4 scheduled exams then either stay on here or go back to Sydney and have 6 months off then either come back or stay, or completely withdraw and start again next year, again whether it be here or Sydney. Of course I can opt to do all 4 exams, but after being told I’m clearly not in the right state mentally and emotionally to do ANY exams at all, it is kind of off-putting. If I did all 4 exams and passed I would be able to go into the course I was offered in Sydney mid-year, IF I chose to move back.
*Sigh*….you see. The only thing….is that. I feel I can’t make this decision until a certain someone decides that it’s right to talk to me again :'( seeing as our relationship was my driving force for the move, even though I didn’t know it at the time. :(. Without this sounding like an emo-rant, I just can’t understand how someone who was so into such a great friendship, then a great relationship, could want to walk away from even just the friendship, after saying there was nothing wrong with “us” and it will all be fine :'(! I mean, he still reckons (well the last time I talked to him, almost a month ago), that it will be fine….but how can everything just be fine ALL OF A SUDDEN when it’s not even given a chance?!?! I JUST DON’T GET IT!!!!!!!
Argh. I really do feel like I am in a room packed to the brim with people where it’s so silent, and I am screaming my lungs out, yet nobody at all will listen to me/hear me. :(!!
I just hate the fact that I may have to make such an enormous decision and be unhappy with the outcome either way, and the fact that people won’t listen to me when I say I know what can help me.
ARGH. The day that I figure out life, I will feel completely accomplished, whether I have achieved any other long-term goals set for myself or not.
I miss being the happy, crazy person that I was, I feel like that is being held away from me and I’m not allowed to have it back. I was happy during our relationship, yes…extremely….but more so….I was happy BEFORE it! When we were friends! And I would love to go back to that. I hate having things like this in my life. I just love to be happy.
Ahhh.
On a uni-related note, well, the above is related to uni somewhat I suppose, but anyway. Today I had my last biology practical for the semester (possibly for my unimelb experience?) and it was ….BORING. Yes. The most boring prac and everyone thought so too. Perhaps if it was a touch more practical than looking at computer screens and slides, I don’t know how….just somehow…it needed to be made more engaging, more hands-on.
I also didn’t go to uni yesterday, surprise surprise. Emotions really knock you over. (Yet remember I know how to fix myself, I am just not…”allowed!!!!!” in a sense!!)
On a high note, I bought tickets to Splendour in the Grass yesterday, I’m going with 3 of my best friends from Sydney- Alex, Kristy, misty and we will have a ball. I hope. It’s at Byron bay. We missed out on camping tickets though, so we’ve got to book accommodation somewhere soon, and flights and all will be good. Woop woop. It’s scary to think that what my academic and living status will be at that time is completely unknown for now :(. Wow, the whole festival sold out in less than 2 days.
Today my new keycard arrived, so I finally have access to some thousands I haven’t been able to touch for ages. Although I won’t be touching it much at all, I don’t really have any material wants at the moment, only emotional. I guess you could call it.
Last Wednesday I went to the chocolate lover’s society bbq, which unfortunately turned out to be bread with nutella, sprinkles, and of course lots of chocolate, as their barbeque was locked in the sailing shed or something!! Still yummy though, I was talking to a couple of girls from America who had just returned from a trip to the Cadbury factory in Tasmania (I think?) Then I saw a girl from college so we ate some more chocolate and made fairy bread, then bought sushi and parted ways, her back to college, me back to a biology lecture in which I literally fell asleep with my head lulled to the side in, due to my recurrent lack of sleep nowadays.
Tonight I have my third water polo match, we won last week and it was a really good game. I missed training last night at the last minute because…yep…you guessed it- mood swing!. Also tonight, infact in an hour or so, my dad will arrive from driving from Sydney, and my puppy will be with him 🙂 yay. Don’t you just love unconditional love? My dad’s aunty passed away on mother’s day, so he is stopping in Melbourne for the night before continuing to drive on to Warrnambool. It was also my dad’s first mother’s day away since his mum died 🙁 I told you bad things all happen at once!!!
My mum is also coming back from Wodonga on Wednesday… I was there for the weekend with her, visiting her family, mothers day lunch, etc. I caught the train back by myself on Sunday night to Melbourne, and for the entire 3 and a half hours I was contemplating jumping off at each stop and calling someone to come and save me…I was so upset because I had nobody to talk to so all the usual thoughts just kept on running through my head :'(. ahh. on the train trip up to Wodonga, a girl sitting with me and my mum is at a college too…and guess what. she’s doing the same course as me, hehe! except she’s 2nd year. All 6 of us in our little seat section thing passed the time well, by just chatting about anything and everything. Interesting group of people. Oh and the guy sitting with us was on my train trip back too, yet we didn’t talk, just sat there being mute doing sudoku puzzles, and of course me with the added brainstorm.
This is really messy and out of order but anyway Haha… when I caught the cab from college after uni to the hotel I had to meet my mum at before going to the train, the hotel we had stayed in the night before, I met Ryan O’Keefe from the swans and he wrote me a note hehe. We also met his grandpa and father, and found out his grandpa knows my grandpa, as they are from Wodonga. My mum saw the whole team but I was still in the taxi and only Ryan stayed back to meet me lol :(.
Well I am terribly sorry for that rant…it just sometimes makes me feel a tad better to get it on paper…err…screen o_0.
Better go back to…life. And stuff.
Lara.
Hey, we’re sorry about the BBQ! We had sausages etc etc organised… and of course the hot-food staple of the Chocolate Lover’s Society… toasted Nutella and M’n’M sandwiches (perhaps better known as the Feelsick Special (r))!.
Anyway…. I’m so sorry to hear that your world has come crashing down around you. What advice can you offer over the internet?; it feels so meaningless and unhelpful. I’ve got to admit that saying it’s all fine and not talking for a month shows all the classic guy signs of awkwardness and just avoiding the situation; if I shut my eyes, I can’t see anything wrong, right? I guess the major question you need to answer for yourself is whether it’s worth staying in Melbourne regardless of whatever happens, or whether you need to go back to Sydney for the support, and that’s not something that anyone else – especially someone like me – could really tell you. What the hell do I know, I’m only another Uni blogger!
Best of luck with it all – and PLEASE say hi next time you come to the CLS!!! I stick out a fair bit – medium length hair, extroverted, and now Pres. of the damn thing – and hopefully I’ll have a photo up here soon.
jez
I guess it’s a lesson a lot of people have to learn (too late) in life – don’t ever place all your happiness / ability to function on the shoulders of the person you love. Because most people will eventually let you down.
I’ve been there myself…and I found in the end I gained a much more mature perspective on life and relationships meaning that the way I approached my current relationship was very healthy/mature and I feel like I’m in a great place. (I’d say my past major relationship was very UNhealthy).
Anyways…I’m not trying to lecture or say I know exactly how you feel because I don’t – but if my personal experience is anything to go by, you will come out of this a better, stronger person, who has a greater understanding of who they are as a person and what they want out of life.
From an outside perspective it sounds like your ex is trying to just take a break completely so he a) doesn’t have to deal with your feelings and can focus on uni and b)so he can heal from his own inevitable emotional difficulties with ending the relationship.
It’s a cliched but “time and space heals all wounds”….if you keep seeing him in the short term it will continually bring up so many mixed emotions for you (and him). It (obviously) still hurts to be away from him…but it’s probably a blessing in disguise because it will help you heal faster.
As I’ve just told you exactly what your post made me think (i’m that kind of direct, don’t beat around the bush, person). If you think you can actually do it (in your heart, not listening to anyone else’s judgements of you) I’d say do the exams and pass them. Then you have the choice to move back if you want. Not doing them sounds like it might make life even more complicated and at this point you probably want to avoid that if you can.
Anyhow…enough ramblings from me.
I wish you the best of luck.
Humans have an amazing level of endurance – don’t ever forget that.
Sophie