What to do on holidays when sufficiently bored enough to do something, yet just ever so lazy that it is indeed an effort to leave the house (With Benjamin Ten Jam In)

Like brushing your teeth, Captain Feathersword impersonations and Bieber Fever, the holidays are something that dominate a large part of our lives.  Although all of the following only happen a few times annually, they all must be given equal amounts of love lest we grow sick of the same routine.  And alas, it has come to that time of the year again where we all have too much time on our hands but an inability to use it to its maximum funness/funkiness.  That is why I have devised this guide in order to give you some basic ideas and direction for the weeks ahead.

Warning: This episode was written in front of a live studio audience.  Readers are advised to chortle heartily/snigger in disdain/moan in despair if they do so feel the need.  Bonus points shall be awarded to those who do the best impersonations of Rick from ‘The Bold and the Beautiful’.  Not that I watch that show. 

Suggestion Number One: Having spent the entire night on Facebook, wake up nice and early at 11am to start your day.  Drag yourself out of bed but forego breakfast, seeing as you’re going to have lunch soon anyway.  Upon dislocating your funny bone due to a bad pun you just made up, commence an exciting game of tag with your pet cats.  If you do not have cats, imaginary ones will do, however, you may need to inform people of what you are doing unless you want to look immature.

Several lacerations later it is now time for lunch, which is good seeing as it is about three o’clock.  Eat a can of baked beans, raw if you have watched Bear Grylls within the last decade.  Which you have.  So suffer.

After a moderately extreme tummy tantrum on account of your fine meal, try to read a book, seeing as you have not done so for quite some time.  Preferably something intellectually stimulating along the lines of Jane Austen or Arthur C Clarke.

Having finished CHERUB, go onto Facebook to see exactly how far you can inflate your ego without seeming overtly narcissistic.  Your options include posting a shot of you showing off your non-existent guns (no, Call of Duty does not count 😛 ), picking up grammatical errors in statuses and attempting to employ the use of fifteenth century English.  Fie, fie for shame.

Skip dinner in order to have an epic jam sesh with yourself on the piano with a notable solo from the unhappy person next door, who, from what you could deduce through the intermingled screeching and yelling (which was very flat), claimed that playing piano after eleven thirty at night is somehow ‘inappropriate’.  Then fall asleep, using cat as a rather comfortable pillow substitute.  Exeunt.  Curtains.

Suggestion Number Two: As the warm sunlight trickles through the slits in your blinds and washes over your face at eight o’clock, decide that today you are going to be less lazy.  So, go back to sleep to ensure that you can get up bright and early at ten thirty.

Once you have gotten up, have breakfast.  Deciding that you can better what you had yestermorning (seven teddy bear biscuits and three scotch fingers), have a light one today by having two slices of bread.  Start being productive by entertaining yourself by means of putting on different accents.  Your choices are French, English, Zulu, Roman, American Trailer voice or Geodude (not too hard, just try make your voice sound gravelly).

Eat your lunch whilst watching a ‘How to Beatbox’ video on youtube.  Your severe frustration, annoyance and general lack of skill is apparent by the speckled spit and ham that now decorates the computer monitor.  Sometimes we really do need to learn to ‘say it, not spray it’.

Finally, decide to do a bit of cooking, having been inspired by Masterchef, The Iron Chef and Iron Man.  You’re a tad rusty, so only realise that you have put the cookie dough you have created in a muffin tray when it is too late.  Oh well.  Put in oven for three or four youtube videos before removing.  Decide to use paper towel instead of oven mitts due to laziness, giving yourself what appears to be third degree burns in the process.  Jump about screeching, befouling the air with a dozen choice swear words.  Ensure no one is home at the time lest the casual observer presume that you are having a bad spate of Coprolalia again.            

Make like your wounds by having some raw eggs for dinner.  Boredom does make you a bit of a chook.

Suggesion Number Three: Decide that you are going to stay in bed all day.  And sleep.  Good luck.  I am yet to complete this seemingly impossible task.  If too hard, just spend the day rewatching Doctor Who or something 😀  Not True Blood.  I still don’t know what it is.  SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN IT TO ME IN FIVE HUNDRED WORDS OR LESS!  OKAY?  THANK YOU.

IN CLOSING I aM going to let go of the shift key because my left pinkie is starting to cramp.  Instead I will just write in italic font.  There we are.  So, I hope that everyone has a most marvellous holiday OMG I PRESSed the wrong butTON WHOOPS lET ME FIX THAT.  Ah, that’s better.  So, as I was saying, enjoy the holidays and I’ll see you guys all next semester.  Looking forward to meeting the new bloggers in person, too 😀

 

Benjamin kiss kiss times ten to the power of twenty three.  I am not very good with those ‘moletiples’ 😛