Instant JAFFY (just add water!) (Jeremy)

The semester has come and gone, and with it has gone any petal-bordered, silver-spooned, speech-night private school delusions of what First Year really is. Instead, it has been replaced by Utter Reality. And what is the reality? Well, to be honest, the reality rocks, as long as you handle it right. All in all, I think I’ve handled it pretty well (though I have a sneaking suspicion that the Maths and Stats department of the Uni may well not agree with me on that count). I’ve somehow managed to achieve that fine line between stressing about exams as much as Sophie does (I’ll be surprised if that poor woman has any hair left by the end of third year) and failing, managed to hit that balance between co-curricular and glandular, and above all I’ve managed to really go fowards for the first time in my life since I got back from China. So, to be honest, I feel over-qualified to offer my own advice to you little Year 12s on how to make your first semester rock like mine did. Here goes –

– Don’t join the Young Socialists unless you want to spend a lot of time putting up posters

– Don’t join the Young Liberals unless you want to spend a lot of time harassing Young Socialists who are spending a lot of time putting up posters (who says I can’t be biased?).

– The sign saying “No ball games on the South Lawn” is not a rule, it’s a CHALLENGE!

– The following clubs are only recommended for those who hold certificates in Liver Abuse – Engineering Student’s Society, Science Students Society and More Beer Club.

– The only thing that could improve the Student Union Computing Centre is free coffee. Seriously, you people rock!

– Do not, under any circumstances, even entertain the idea of taking Engineering Communcation.

– If anyone carrying only a bag at most takes the lift in Union House for only one floor whilst you need to sprint up to the Computing Centre on the Fourth Floor to print, then you have permission to go at them with a crowbar.

– Metlink inspectors are not human beings. They are the sort of people who take malicious pleasure in your financial misery.

– Clubs and Societies are fantastic, especially for people who aren’t quite as outgoing as myself. If you’re an Engineer, then stagger on over to More Beer. If you have any sort of normal tastebuds, then Chocolate Lover’s Society is… mmm. If you’re nerdy in the slightest, then any group in that room in the basement is double plus good. Seriously, there is no reason to feel alone at UniMelb (unless of course you went to a Public School**).

– Sorry, kids, but pacing around the room in circles saying “f***f***f***!” won’t actually get your essays done. (Thanks Kath!)
– Before embarking on any student-society-led camps, it may well be a good idea to lacquer your private parts, hence making it far easier to remove the permanent black marker once you wake up.***

– Arts Courses are for people who live for the now, Commerce Courses are for people who live for the future, and Biology Courses are for people who don’t want to live anymore.

– It’s just a general guideline, but I would generally suggest that you don’t treat your booklist as an assortment of Optional Purchases.

– If anybody out there wishes to hack into and reprogram Webraft, quite frankly they’re welcome to try.

– Make the first few weeks of semester – at least – “yes” weeks. Just say yes to anyone and anything. Free to go to that party on Wednesday? Yes. Another souvlaki-eating challenge? Yes! Even though you’re straight, are you open to new ideas? Ye… hang on…

– There are so many facilities out there provided by every faculty that it should be impossible to fail. USE THEM.

– Pay your union fees, children. Don’t get sucked into the whole image of the Union as a Howard-Hating, leftist-ranting organisation that was last relevant to the world in roughly June 1972. You never know when you might need their services (Student Representation, Welfare Dept etc) and in the interim plenty of other people do.

– There is a rumour that apparently every college has a pit to burn money in the middle of it. I know that the whole social scene rocks and your meals get “cooked” (cooked, run over, same thing) for you, but, let’s face it, $400-$450 a week buys quite a nice share house and an awful lot of parties. Consider carefully if the facilities are really worth the extra before signing on.

– People who have drunk far too much alcohol make stupid decisions, so don’t forget to bring a camera.

– Try not to contract Melbourne Uni Wanker Syndrome. It’s often difficult to detect but wearing your College polo top more than two days a week could be one of the main symptoms.

– Never, ever, EVER let someone sit by themselves in any lecture, prac or tute in the first month or so of Uni without offering the seat next to you. This is Uni, not the train.

– Last of all, if you’re not having fun, do something about it! Work out what the issue is and try to confront it. Be honest. If you’re doing what you’re doing for the job prospects or the money, be honest to yourself and transfer courses. If you’re lonely, go and join a club or a group, PLEASE. University is not a means to an end, or it isn’t for me. So, people, always have fun.

And on that little note, I am (most ironically) off to go to work.

Enjoy the break,

Jez.

** – JOKE

*** – NOT A JOKE