Chapter Nine: When emotion’s dry up… (~jinghan)

A story of religion and maths…

If you don’t know (which you might not because I have not quite worked out how to express myself regarding this matter) I have been going to church for the past 6 months. I found myself doing so because of the oalpably positive vibe that seemed to eminate from the people that I met there. And the messages given by the pastor were really relevant to young people and really challenging me to question social norms (which I like to do) – something that I never felt from attending Catholic masses during the 6 years of my secondary schooling.

But after six months of getting progressively more involved; of making mistakes about accepting ideas before actually accepting them at heart and then feeling like a massive lie; of homesickness and identity crisis… I’m wondering what now? I don’t feel that engaged or passionate anymore.

It was actually after reading an email from a friend of mine who has also been struggling with religion and identity that I realised something…

I realised that we often think of spirituality as something that should be bolstered by emotions. And I think that I extend this attitude to other things – romance, friendship, passion for learning, family… But in reality it’s not the emotion that’s going to make these things last.

Actually depending on emotional connection alone has been my failing point in the past – thinking that it’s all gone wrong if my emotion towards something is gone. I get fustrated at my boyfriend because I don’t feel that emotional connection I felt at the start of the relationship. I lose motivation to study because I don’t feel that passion I remember once having. I’m distant towards my family because I don’t feel emotionally connected to them like I do with such and such friend. I nag my friends because I think I should always feel some immense solidarity with them all the time. I think religion isn’t worth thinking about any more because I don’t feel that emotional passion towards it that I first felt.

But, maybe it’s the persisting when there is no emotional connection, no obvious understanding, struggles, pains, forgotten motivation that leads to greater joy in the end when things do come together (just in time for us to head into new territory and new challenges).

As soon as I log off this computer I’m going to go and study my maths. Which means: slow grueling working of copying down a proof and trying to work out each connection between one line and the next. Then, after reaching the end, not knowing why the theorem fits into the big picture of the subject or why it’s even useful. In times like this there’s no emotional joy over the “beauty of mathematics”. But I have to remind myself that everything that I do appreciate about the “beauty of mathematics” at one point or another originally started as tedious work, rote learning and braingless note copying. Sometimes it’s only years later while studying something else that you revisit a concept and realise the purpose and structure of what you initially learnt and then! suddently! all the connections click, the beauty, the perfection just pops out at you. You are exhillerated as a whole new world of understand opens up before your mind!

… but until then you just have to have faith that the slow tedious work you’re doing now will lead to emotional reward eventually even though right now it is as dry as dry can be.

***

I finish writing my reply email to my friend:

Mm, I think I did/do that. “feeling really into trying out spiritual practices” and then in the end just trying to pass off thoughts as profound insights. This week I have kept up with reading the bible and studying it with groups of other students. But have been reminding myself that I am merely a novice and looking for the most basic face-value meaning from the texts rather than concocting something profound. It’s much less “exciting” than trying to pass things off as profound, but it feels more like actual learning. It has actually helped me to understand the text better. Both in maths and religion I am constantly being reminded that the full joy of understanding takes patience and plenty of initial confusion.