Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Stolen Birthday (~jinghan)
So, I have a friend of mine who, despite being super smart, is only just turning 18 this year. It’s been ages since anyone I’ve known has turned 18. And then I have an idea… and here you witness the birth of all things evil.
— — — — —
Imagine this:
it’s the morning of your eighteenth birthday, and you’ve been looking forward to a lazy morning in bed. But instead you receive this card:
The clue reads:
You’ve been given no truth you must complete this _ _ _ _
To clear the trash you must find a _ _ _
To win the marathon you must _ _ _ _ _
To move on you cannot remain _ _ _ _ _ _ _ary
It only takes you a few minutes to work it out. Of course: Darebin Train Station. You grab a coat and make a dash for the door wondering what you’ll find there. (Only to be stopped by your sister who seems to suspiciously know that you should have breakfast before you head out. This is rather annoying but you decide to have breakfast anyway.)
At the station you find this:
Department of Missing Birthdays
Missing Birthday Report
Case ID: 93821
Birthday-Person: Dougal D
Date of Birth: 17 June 1993
Pending Age: 18
Date: 17/06/2011
Status: Still missing
Overview: In the early hours of the 17th June 2011, the birthday of Dougal Davis (17 going on 18) was stolen from his residence at 6 Riverside Road, Ivanhoe, Victoria 3079. Suspected culprit is the evil (but cuddly) penguins of Eeeville.
Intended action: divert problem to Department of Penguin Spotting
Communication:
Dear Dougal,
We are sorry to hear that your birthday has been stolen. Unfortunately we are over run with missing birthdays at the moment. (Boss has his foot on my neck about some Miss Wong who has only had 4 birthdays despite being 19 going on 20. Yikes! You know what I mean?) I have asked the Department of Penguin Spotting to send you some information regarding where you might possibly track down the evil (but cuddly) penguins of Eeeville and retrieve your birthday. Otherwise the earliest date of your case being examined by the DMB is August 2013.
Regards
Ms J Summer
Problem Divergence and Client Distraction Sector
Department of Missing Birthdays
— — — —
Department of Penguin Spotting
Information Access Report
Request ID: Quack! Who cares!
Requestee: Department of Bureaucratic Bastards (aka Missing Birthdays)
Information on: evil (but cuddly) pengins of Eeeville
Important: send response directly onto Dougal D, otherwise it will be lost in the bureaucratic system of the DMB and he won’t hear from them until at least 2013. <insert rolling of eyes>
Communication:
Dougal,
We don’t actually know where they are, but we just did a house search in Eeeville. No penguins found but we found some interesting documents. We think they may be clues to the location of the members of the gang, but since the Department of Cryptic Solutions has been out on coffee break since 1992 we don’t actually know what locations they point to.
If you can work out this first one send us a text with where you think the clue points to. We’ll send a team of non-flying bird watchers over and send you back a confirmation. And you can totter off and we can drop you a package with some more information. Yeah okay?
If you have trouble with any of them text us the document number and we’ll go and bash the Department of Cryptic Solutions over the head of some help.
Contact details: 04********92
Happy goose chasing
Ms J Winter
Head Quackers, Department of Penguin Spotting
— — — —
Document: #1
Evil Shuttleworth Penguin
After repeated attempts to get published in Penguin Books Australia: Anthology Of Best Short Stories resorted to attempting to get published in Penguin Books Australia: Anthology Of Mediocre Short Stories. When she was still refused publication she turned to a life of crime and now spends her days roaming around with the evil (but cuddly) penguins of Eeeville committing horrors such as birthday stealing and scrawling graffiti of her awful stories in public spaces.
We suspect the following document belongs to her and may lead to her location.
The legend of a man, a tool, two weapons and a sound
By Shuttleworth Penguin
This one’s a bit more time consuming, but not much trickier. It reads: “Ivan was a great warrior but couldn’t work a rake or hoe. He could pull the strong on a stiff wood bow and from twenty paces make a bell sound ring-a-ling. He was killed last week by the club of a troll.” So you head to Ivanhoe Bowling Club.
At the bowling club you find this:
You have found…
Evil Shuttleworth Penguin
Was caught here trying to imprint one of her stories into the Ivanhoe Bowling Club lawn using grass killer, but luckily we have stopped her. She won’t say anything about your missing birthday though…
— — — —
Document: #2
Evil Ghosh Penguin
Was once a good maths student but dropped of his course after failing complex analysis. With no integrals to keep him off the streets he quickly found his way into the gang of the evil (but cuddly) penguins of Eeeville. Now he spends his time stealing birthdays in the hope that if he prevents everyone from getting older they will not discover that he cannot count above twenty.
We believe this may be a scrap of maths he has been agonising over for months trying to solve and will reveal where he has run off to after finally finding the answer.
i make egg and _ _ _ _ _
two makes blanc and _ _ _ _
three makes handle and _ _ _ _
four makes path and _ _ _
You stare at this one for ages, text for a clue. And realise you have to find the complex solutions to some maths problems, except it seems that whoever wrote this clue had somehow gotten i and -i mixed up. Who the hell wrote this?! Eaglemont Railway is the solution. You hop on a train and head over.
At Eaglemont you find this:
You have found…
Evil Ghosh Penguin
Was caught here trying to hack the ticket machine so that it would accept complex values of money. Luckily we stopped him before too much imaginary money got caught in circulation. He won’t say anything about your missing birthday though…
— — — —
Document #3:
Evil Clark Penguin
After being rejected as a candidate for being mascot to Clark Rubber, he was never quite the same again. He was recruited up by the evil (but cuddly) penguins of Eeevil one day when he ran into them while stalking a certain platypus and trying to spread scandalous rumours as to ruin his celebrity. He now spends his time stalking down new birthdays to steal and bad mouthing platypi.
We found this among his possessions. Perhaps it will reveal where he will next be snooping around.
You’re just about to ask for a clue when you work it out: Outlook Drive. You find it on the map and start walking over. (It’s a long walk. And you are starting to think about when this will all end and when you can have some lunch.)
At outlook drive you find:
You have found…
Evil Clark Penguin
Was caught here stalking the Clark Rubber Platypus and abduct him so that he could replace him in the mascotting world. Why he doesn’t just try and get a job with Optus, we don’t know. But luckily we have stopped him. Can’t get a word out of him about your missing birthday though.
— —- — —
Document #4:
Evil Carter Genguin
After completing her chemistry major, she suddenly found that she had too much time on her hands and was suffering from withdrawal symptoms from lack of daily exposure to toxic chemicals. She was last thought to be hiding in the evil (but cuddly) penguins of Eeeville’s basement lab concocting a formula for the formation of evil penguin alter egos and for dissolving birthdays.
When we raided her lab she was no longer there but we found the following formula scrawled on a window and half scratched out…
You think this is a stupid clue because you can’t solve for x and y and find a non-trivial solution. And your guess keep getting sent back as wrong. You get another text, “Hi, I happen to be passing through Outlook Drive on the way to Ivanhoe Park Playground. Would you like a lift?” It’s a relief to finally not have to walk any further.
At Ivanhoe park (low and behold!) there’s another clue:
You have found…
Evil Carter Penguin
Was caught here trying to trial her new formula for evil alter egos on young children. Luckily we managed to stop her before too many youths turned evil (a couple got away). She won’t admit to possession of any birthday dissolving substances though.
— — — —
Evil Wong Penguin
Was left with bitter rage when she did not win the Miss Penguin Pageant and joined the evil (but cuddly) penguins of Eeeville when they promised to help her with a revenge plot. She now spends her time stealing birthdays and trying to uninvitedly partake in Penguin Parade on Phillip Island.
We found the following among her possessions. It might lead you to where she is plotting to instigate her revenge attack.
Two penguins met at a corner and paraded down the street. What were their names?
(correction: fouth row of right grid should have ‘U’ right of the ‘T’)
God! How many more could there be? The day is wearing out, so your friend drives you to the corner of Russel Street and Scotts Parade. And and pick up (what you are told is) the last clue.
You have found…
Evil Wong Penguin
Was caught here parading up and down the street. She was a bit of an eyesore so we have removed her now. She was inconsolable after we let slip that she is perhaps not as pretty as she thinks she is, so we weren’t able to question her about your missing birthday.
— — — —
A communication from
The Department Of Penguin Spotting
Dear Dougal,
Well that’s it! You’ve found the whole gang! Don’t worry we’ll find some nice petting zoo to keep them off the streets and stop them stealing people’s birthdays. (Penguins! You know what they’re like!)
The question left to answer is, where have they hidden your birthday?
There’s one last document we found when we raided Eeeville. Since we found all the penguins we don’t really care about it anymore, so here you can keep it as a birthday present… uh… or at least a present to make up for not having your birthday.
Happy quacks to you
Ms J Winter
Head Quacker, Department of Penguin Spotting
There’s no time to solve this last one and you are whisked home.
In the house you find a trail of black and white feathers and penguin foot prints and…
You walk in your bedroom door and…
*WHOOOOSHHHH* A bucket of confetti is tipped over your head!
(You really want some lunch now. Someone else had better clean up all that confetti on your bedroom floor!)
A note from the author: What happened next for me was I had 10 seconds to give my birthday friend a hug and then RUN for my exam getting to the Royal Exhibition Building in a nick of time. Don’t worry. I passed the subject.