Tears, Home, Uni, College, Friends…Life. (Lara)

The past few weeks have been filled with…well….Stuff.

I went home to Sydney for 6 nights…from the last Thursday of uni, through Easter till the 19^th when my friend from Sydney and myself flew back here- she stayed with me in college for 4 nights.

Whilst in Sydney it was a good chance to catch up with life and family and my friends, which I really needed, and still need now but I’ll get to that later on.

I feel that ever since I’ve left school and started uni and had all these changes happen so quickly and continuously, that I’m realising how un-innocent life outside of that shell really is, and at the moment I’m really not too fond of it. How I would do anything to just be a little carefree kid again, with the biggest worry in my life being that I dropped a lolly, or something. Even to just be in school again, year 12 again even. I just hate the fact that I need a break when stuff has only really just begun.

Yet when we all leave university, it’s like another shell will be removed, and we will yet again be exposed even furthermore to the world. Maybe life is like something…with a lot of shells? And each time we have some sort of epiphany, whether it be good or bad, (can epiphanies be bad?? I think I’m having a lot of those lately.), nevertheless it is still causing us to move forward somehow.

Just a random comment, out my window I just heard the sound of a glass smashing to the ground, then a girl’s voice exclaiming “OH, S**t!” Hehe. College.

Lately I’ve missed a lot of uni still, and a lot of life. I have thought, been told, found out about, and asked, many things, which have made me cry, frown, scream, laugh, talk, stay silent….basically a rush of a crazy milkshake of emotions. I’ve found out my ex-boyfriend is no longer my best friend as such, and as was such for 2 years before we were together. He has some idea that us not communicating will help us in the long run, not to be “together”, to remain friends…even though he said that the reason we aren’t “together” anymore is nothing to do with us. *Sigh*. So now I have lost one of the most important people in my life, a best friend, and it doesn’t seem to bother the other half of this too much at all.

Today I pretty much lay in my bed all day, I couldn’t face uni, again. I’ve tried over and over to try and get through things, but I really am knocked back by the loss of such a friendship, such a great thing in my life. He doesn’t seem to get that, that being that I know what I need to help me and help me start living my life properly again, yet it is not willing to be given, when only just over a month ago and for 2 years before that, we were both cherishing our friendship insanely, and immensely. =’[.

That brings me to what I said I would get to…stuff I still need now. I have realised how much of a motivation our relationship really was for me to make the move to Melbourne, because I was told how good it would be, and both believed that. Maybe if he was willing to see that treating me like a friend would indefinitely save me, and save what I thought I had going here. I hate to write about “him” in here as it sounds like I’m complaining, when really I look up to him so much, like a hero, but he’s letting me down and I just can’t accept that…why would someone want to betray such a friendship, and think they are doing the right thing in doing so? I’m also just making him think I am some crazy person, but even I don’t know myself right now, and I know how to get back to normal, and that is by being treated normally!

When I go back to Sydney from the 6^th-8^th may, I am going to have a meeting with a man from the veterinary faculty at the University of Sydney. I’ll explain more on that in a later post.

Anyway, enough about the majority of my life that is depressing, and more on other topics which are slightly less so…

The last day of uni before the Easter break, I went to Werribee Open Range Zoo for a field trip, which was nice. I enjoy seeing animals getting a bit more freedom when they are kept in captivity, and was pleased to learn in a talk we had, that modern zoos are now much more for educating about and promoting strategies to maintain wildlife, rather than profit and entertainment priorities. We also got to go on a pretty cool safari-type drive where much of the area was explained to us.

When I got back from Werribee, I rushed home and finished off my packing, before putting my fish Wally in a friend’s room who stayed in college over the break, then handed in my keys and caught a taxi to the Sky Bus terminal at Southern Cross Station, then hopped on the Sky Bus to the airport and caught my plane to Sydney.

Words cannot explain the amount of meaning that was behind the sigh I released as my plane touched down in my hometown, Sydney. I knew that I couldn’t last much longer without getting back there, and so did everyone else I had been talking to. I know this is going to be meaningless to write but I’ll be right back- late night vending machine cravings call!

I’m back, and it’s raining- I love the rain. I wish my college wasn’t shaped like a donut tonight so I could go to bed perhaps peacefully for the first time in ages and just listen to the rain hitting my window. Its so nice that there’s even birds chirping, at 12:45am!

What was I writing about…oh yes… Sydney. So the night I got to Sydney I stayed at home and cuddled my puppy and spent time with my parents, in the comfort of my own home, almost a thousand kilometres away from all my troubles.. the next day I saw Scary Movie 4 with my friend- Haha that movie’s so stupid :p. That night we both went into the city, to Star City after sitting at South’s Juniors. We sat in the cocktail bar and discussed our lives, other people’s lives, and the simple idea that gambling is a really bad problem, after watching people lose thousands upon thousands of dollars that could be much better spent on living happily, before our eyes. We then met up with matt, her brother, and also a good friend of mine. Before deciding we were both buggered and caught a taxi home.

I’m quite sure I woke up in a completely different mood the next morning, another one of the times where I hate seeing myself like I never have before… I didn’t do much during the day, but that night met up with most of my friends and went to a hotel/bar/club. Alcohol really mixes emotions, and I didn’t leave that morning feeling very happy with myself or other people- let’s leave it at that.

The next day, ah, Easter Sunday. Full of chocolaty-goodness. My friend came around to my house to drop me off an Easter egg that afternoon, and to err..apologise for the previous night’s events I guess. I then met up with another friend and we both went to the Easter show for a couple of hours…we just went on some rides, wasted some money on show bags then came home.

The rest of my time in Sydney was spent at the park with my dog, and with my parents. On the Wednesday afternoon my friend misty and I flew back down to Melbourne, got back to college then went out to Crown. Don’t go to night clubs at crown on a Wednesday night, even in the holidays, unless you want to be chatted up by guys much your senior!

The next day was spent shopping and lazing around, we were both really tired the whole 5 days. That night, Thursday night, was crazy. It involved myself, my friend, student night at Billboard, two unknown males, lots of dancing, and $3 spirits. Let’s just say my friend was super happy that night, but not so much by the early hours of the morning, which saw me holding her hair back in a bit of a state myself on a lawn, before somehow stumbling back to college and having my floor thrown up on by my dear friend… haha.

We didn’t do anything the next day. Too tired and umm, yeah..:P i felt bad for a while about certain things too, but hey i’m over them at least. But went to the movies that night when Misty was feeling a little better, and saw The Inside Man, which I think is a really good movie…very well thought out. It was good to not have to watch something involving romance, for once.

Next night saw us at the Comedy Festival, where we watched Tahir (very funny), and then The Lion, The Bitch & The Closet, also hilarious. I love the comedy festival. The next day was a sad day for me because it meant I was once again alone in this state in the sense of Sydney-related people. And my mood, whilst it was always pretty low, went back to the low I had before.

So the Monday saw me back at university with an 8am start- maths. Joy!! Nah, I don’t mind the maths I do, in fact I find it one of my least challenging subjects. Monday afternoon wasn’t the happiest, and involved a few shaky events including a traumatic phone call with…someone. I was quite so shaken that I missed hall, water polo training, and eating that afternoon/night altogether. Tuesday- day off for ANZAC day, even though I would have had the day off anyway due to having no biology prac this week. Oh speaking of those, I dissected a rat for my last prac, it was really interesting yet the whole removing of the skin didn’t take my fancy at first. But nonetheless, I still enjoyed it a lot, and was even so kind as to attempt to reassemble my dear male rat friend after being allowed to discover his interior.

On Tuesday night, my friend matt flew down from Sydney, so I spent the night with him, where he treated me to coffee and tickets to see Spymonkey at the Comedy Festival, I really appreciate him… the most he mentioned about my worries was “You need some cheering up, hey! :D” before us having a really nice night together. I love my friends, especially when they show they care so much. After that I came back to college, only to be rung by another of my friends! So back to the city I went, where we both went to the HiFi Bar comedy bingo. Haha. Funny stuff. He then drove me back to college in his pretty cool car haha…another friend I am thankful for.

Wednesday I turned up to my chemistry prac class, which was easy enough. I’m happy with my chemistry prac marks, none of them have been lower than 9/10 which is slightly reassuring I guess. That night I got a message from Matt again saying “Please Please Please come out!!” haha..he was here by himself, because my friend misty, who is also his sister, told him all about how much fun we had, so he just had to come down too!! This night we went to Crown, where I only spent one whole dollar, yet got 6 dollars worth of bets! haha. Some guy stopped us and gave us a Crown card each, which had $5 free on it. We then walked back to Flinders St. from Crown and chatted about lots of different things before saying bye and wishing him a safe flight home. (Home, Sydney L where I’d love to be right now because of certain things that could be avoided!)

Thursday, was college day, which involved a few photos at 7am, pancakes, various activities which I couldn’t take part in because I had a field trip to the RSPCA which was also awesome in itself, yet saddening to learn of the cruelties face to face, that so many animals are subjected to. It really makes you want to help. We also got a big BBQ lunch, and a nice dinner. Then there was a pub and café crawl. It was nice to socialise with fellow college people and funny to watch others who were up for a big night, get just that given to them. One guy is still in bed, blue in the face, or so I’ve been told.

So this morning I awoke to spew in the bathrooms, and the smell of a used vomit cleanup pack lurking somewhere around the corridors. I went down to breakfast, then back to bed. I hope somehow I can find motivation within myself, or a certain person can see that I am asking for one thing, which will make me able to be at peace and not like this person I am not, yet they wont acknowledge that and it hurts, yet I still cherish them so much as a friend L. *sigh*

Ironically as I am finally finished this, the rain has stopped pattering, and those birds have stopped chirping, and my tiredness has been diminished. So it looks like its back to back Greys Anatomy episodes on the college network for me until I doze off into dreams that reflect my life, really.

My dad arrives at around 8am tomorrow morning, which will be good. I’ll be spending the weekend with him. I hope to post again soon, but if I don’t, next week holds my first water polo game, intercollegiate swimming, university, and on Saturday a flight to Sydney! Yay. I need to go home again, I really really do.

Until next time, stay safe and if you come to intercollegiate swimming on Friday night, you know which college is the safest bet to cheer for.

Ciao peoples and keep smiling, for me, cause i miss the smile that was once permanently displayed on this face.