Chapter Twenty-One: Dressed for Show (~jinghan)

“I love school uniforms, I mean do you want to decide what to wear every morning?”

I said it back in primary school. I said it in high school. I said it in a rebellious tone, but perhaps it was more of a whimpy excuse than gutsy personality.

I hear the tap of my heels as I walk at my usual fast pace down monash road and towards the union house. The tap of my heels! The last time I wore shoes with heels that make sound like this was probably to a party at least a year ago, shoes that left me with a huge fat blister on my toe, and so I had decided that shoes with heels were not worth it. I bought myself a pair of pretty flats for parties and a pair of casual flat shoes and decided that I would never have to update my shoe collection ever again. I feel a little outside my own comfort hearing the tap of the heels, but I make myself continue with a confident stride, and laugh at myself when I stand half on the crack in the pavement and stagger.

I hear the tap of my heels as I walk towards the Royal Exhibition Building. I focus on the tap of my heels instead of the fact that the crowd of exam-nervous students outside of the doors is not there. The exam started at 2:15 right? The exam started at 2:00.

“Hurry up. Reading time has just finished.” The man guarding the door does not look impressed.

I make myself calmly walk to the list of seat numbers. Tap tap tap. Fifty-nine, I repeat to myself in my head as I walk into the exam hall. Tap tap tap, echoes around the otherwise empty hall. I don’t slow down, or look around to see if anyone is staring at my loud entrance. Tap tap tap. I sweep my coat off onto the back of my chair and sit down daintily to begin the exam.

The shoes I was wearing were suede boots. My first and only pair of boots. Shaped like the shoes that I used to dance in at the bottom with a soft neck that hugged my shin and could be folder over to my choice of length, if they were any other style of boots I was sure I would feel awkward and mismatched in them – it was the reason why I had never worn boots before. That, and the fact that I was wearing school shoes five days out of seven. I had never had the confidence for boots. But costing the equivalent of $15AU from a market in Beijing, I was not ashamed to walk anywhere in these boots. I remember silently laughing to myself and thinking “Remind yourself not to wear such loud shoes next time you decide to be late to an exam.” But the truth was that I was thankful that the tap of the heels broke the silent tension in the air of the examination hall.

As I’m talking to my friend I’m distracted by her earrings, hidden between her curls, there’s at least three of them and no two of them are the same. “Sorry, I missed that, what did you say?”

At the train station I see high school students in school uniforms. You get to know all the private school uniforms of Melbourne after a while.

At the tram stop I’m looking at people’s coats, their stockings, their pants, their scarves, their bags, I guess I was shopping for inspiration but instead I’m thinking, “wow, it takes a certain sort of confidence to wear that.” The girl sitting opposite me is wearing a top hat with the ace of clubs and a feather tucked in the ribbon. And I realise that I’m noticing all this because the people around me are not wearing school uniforms. You don’t see them for the school they go to, but you see them for their personality written in what they have the guts to wear.

“Ha, I don’t care about clothes,” I have said so many times.

I meant it to be rebellious and care-free, but it was more of a wimpy excuse.

I still wouldn’t say I’m an extravagant dresser. I still enjoy wearing the same outfit for several days, because I’ve gotten comfortable wearing it and being seen in it. I still hold a bitter grudge against clothing that isn’t comfortable and have trouble not scoffing when people chat about clothing. Half my wardrobe is still full of things that I didn’t buy for myself. (It was more like 90% before.) But now I don’t have a school uniform to hide behind, I’m learning to develop a wardrobe that I’m not ashamed to dance down the street in, clothing that is singing my personality loudly and proudly. And I’m loving it.

Tap tap tap. Usually I’d be wearing my wide collared jumper  with black pants all winter just because it looks okay and is easy to wear. But today I’m wearing my suede boots, a grey knitted dress, black leggings, purple cardigan, snake-clasp belt and beige trench coat that sweeps out like a cloak. And I’m wondering if this time someone else is drawing inspiration from what I’m wearing.