The ABC of Living Parentfree, Carefree and Cashfree

Goodie good goodness. What a spastic couple of weeks it has been. Sorry I haven’t posted…I’ve been busy curled in the foetal position sucking my thumb. Easter has got to be one of the best holidays ever. I am an athiest, but thank you Jesus. I don’t know how eggs and chocolate relate to your death and rebirth, but thank you for dying for our sins so we can commit one of the seven deadly sins in your name: Gluttony.

Anyway, I have compiled, for your reading pleasure, an ABC of living away from home and going to Uni. My life right now since moving out? It’s a work in progress. I can proudly say I have not yet eaten one strand of Mi Goreng or 2 minute noodles. I am, however, poor and pathetic. I have not had alcohol since I left home, because I have no over-18s to cajole into getting me drinks, since I’m what the nice policemen consider underage and all…bring on the 9th of June. It’s a Wednesday, and I am going to drink my bodyweight in legal drinks!

But you don’t need to know about that. I’m really not. I am going to stay at home on my 18th drinking milk and cookies and watching episodes of Care Bears.  I shall leave you now with 26 (i just counted out the alphabet to make sure there were, in fact, 26 letters…woo! Go Uni!) precious and not-so-precious gems of information, written by a relatively priveleged and clueless middle aged white girl from country Victoria. Enjoy:

Ablute yourself. No-one likes a grotty housemate. Ask me. I know.
Blow bubbles. It fixes everything. No, seriously.
Caffeine is a wonderful thing. The sooner you understand and accept this concept, the happier your life will be.
Don’t do dumb shit.
Eggs can stay in the fridge for a long time without going gross and green. Put them in smoothies with lots of honey to hide them from yourself so you still get protein.
Fairies do exist. They’re just shy.
Ground floor of the Doug McDonell building is actually Level 2. It took me two weeks to realise this.
Howl at the moon on nights when the sky is orange. You feel like you’re waiting for the world to end. Well, I do. Don’t judge.
Iiiiin West John Medley, Level 2, Laura thinks it is comparable to a number two…
Join the Union. No argument. Nike. 
Koalas are not cute. They’re fat, heavy, smelly and pee on you.
Learn how to get ready in 10 minutes every morning. There is no downfall to this. Learn it, and you can sleep longer. I will run classes if there are enough expressions of interest.
Movies are $6 a before 4pm ticket on Mondays at Nova Cinemas in Carlton and $8 after 4pm on Mondays.
Never mix drinks.
Operate on the 10% rule: 10% of your classmates are idiots. 10% are awesome. 80% are somewhere in between. Remember you’re always in someone else’s 10%. Both of them.
Pay attention in tutes and try to talk at some point because it allows you to do less reading. Trust me. This system has not failed in 5 weeks.
Quality not quantity works when attempting readings. Skim the boring bits, and take notes on the interesting bits. That way, you feel productive and it’s slightly enjoyable. If you see the words “sexual”, “llama”, “ointment” or “erect”, stop and read because it’s bound to be interesting.
Rescue a puppy from a horse and carriage plummeting down Swanston St. It makes you feel good.
Spiders are yet to be encountered, however I think I’ll stick by my “once the spider is in the room, it owns the room until it is out of the room” policy. I’ll probably end up getting my aspiring vet housemate to get it out unharmed.
Toddlers get in the way of everything. Teach them how to poke out their tongue in the middle of a shopping centre and watch the wonder on their faces as they discover the slippery muscle can venture into the outside world in a gesture of pure silliness. Then, when they’re occupied, you can continue with your plans for world domination.
Use the LMS. Just in case you hadn’t been told that yet.
Vegetables are, and will always be, a hassle. Cut them up really small and hide them in pasta dishes, on pizzas and in stuffed chicken breasts.
Walruses and carpenters and frequent squatters in my brain. Just so you know.
X-rays should be done by trained professionals and should not involve one of those white textas you colour over coloured textas to change the colour of them. Or Glad Wrap.
Yodel loudly right outside your annoying housemate’s bedroom door and see what reaction you get. If objects are thrown, this can be classed as a positive reaction and you should continue. And get louder.
Zebras are generally not permitted in the lecture theatres. I tried and got a disapproving glare from the lecturer.

Until we meet again, stay sane. Give me a wave if you see me. I’ll be the one howling at the moon.

I remain, humbly yours,

Laura