When university essay feedback freaks you out (Simone)

This afternoon I had one of those oh-dear-god-I-fail-at-life-give-me-chocolate-icecream-straight-from-the-tub moments after getting an essay back. My sister and I call them “Sharon-sobs”, after Sharon’s constant cries throughout the Kath and Kim series.

It’s not the best example of it, but here’s a link to a short Youtube clip in case you don’t know what that looks like (at 0.20 seconds).

Sharon Sobbing – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNC9to6nvxU

So clearly it’s time for me to acknowledge that I have an issue, because we all know that ‘acknowledging you have an issue is the first step to resolving it’. Let’s all go to Worry Warts Anonymous, shall we? We can sit in a big circle and share our deepest anxieties related to essays and essay-mark related issues. (Sob, sob!).

I know it’s ridiculous. But it’s like I’ve failed myself if I haven’t done really well in an assessment. I see the little grade and I start getting these heart palpitations…. my breathing become shaky, my knees wobble. Every crossed-word, every little negative comment, feels like it cuts me really deep and somehow becomes etched on my mind for hours. Unnecessary, superfluous (shudder). And I’m virtually blind to anything positive or encouraging the tutor/teacher has written. It legitimately takes me half the day, and a few various de-briefs with my mum, my dad, sister, friend, other friend, neighbour, neighbour’s cat…. to convince myself that actually, everything is actually okay and I’m just being stupid!

You’re probably wondering how I survived getting my ATAR last year, eh? I nearly didn’t! While waiting for the website to load I started getting these intense pains in my chest that had me in agony on the couch, and my sister was like, oh dear, she’s having a heart attack! But all was more than well and the pains subsided rather quickly! It seems I haven’t learnt much from this experience. And nor has my ATAR, or any other previous good results, proved to me that I’m not “dumb” and I can do well – the ATAR seems out of sight, out of mind; completely replaced by worries like whether a H2B is good or not. Of  course, I’m not nearly as worried about university scores as I was through year 12. It’s only when I get an essay back that I find myself stressing out.

I guess the thing I have to learn about uni, or continue to learn this semester, is that doing really well (ie. a H1) is, quite frankly, rare for Arts subjects at university. Numerous tutors and lecturers alike have all said that the average mark for an essay can be a P or a H3!! So there is really no reason to stress out, even when you’re a little concerned you didn’t do that great after working your guts out. We’re at uni is to improve and learn, after all, and not to be perfect in everything from year one!

After being in year 12 and pushing myself for every sac, I think I got into a bit of a habit of expecting a lot from myself. Why? To get into Arts at UniMelb. And hey, I made it! My year 12 self would probably be incredulous that I stress about getting only slightly-above-average marks for essays at my uni of preference! So now, at uni, what is the difference between getting a H3 and a H2A, really? What does it change? Unlike year 12 goals, I’m already at uni, clearly! I guess it matters for the Grade Point Average, but at this point I’m not even sure I need to be worrying about that. In the end the only real reason to care is for US – for our own sense of achievement, to learn more, etc etc.

So: I now resolute not to stress out so much about essay results. It ain’t worth it. At all. Because as long as you’re trying your best and taking on board the feedback, there isn’t a reason to worry. No more Sharon-sobbing for me!! (Uh… well, actually… there are a lot of other things to Sharon-sob about. E.g. When it starts hailing and you didn’t bring an umbrella – sob, sob. That moment when realise the guy/girl you like doesn’t like you back – sob, sob. Collingwood wins – sob, sob. Ahhh. It’s tough. #firstworldproblems)