Woe is Me (and anybody who has to deal with me) (Johanna)

The last couple of days have been a massive reality check. Whilst I was spending my days making sure my throat was warm/moist/clear/limber enough to sing those sky-high notes and completely avoiding the fact that I am probably going to fail two subjects and lose my scholarship.. well, after my audition, it all hit home. I think it would be more valuable for me, at this stage, to focus more on picking the right subjects and getting organised and psyched for next semester.. unfortunately, there is still a matter of exams to get through.

I got a callback for Hope in Anything Goes.. that’s at least one good thing. I also got a job at Safeway.. woohoo. Mmm, but apart from that, everything is still more or less in shambles. Some days I wish I could wake up in somebody elses body and life, and everything would be good or at least, okay. I think it would have been nicer to take a year off – my major issue has been with adjusting to being by myself; away from my family, friends, all by myself for most hours of the day. With nobody else to talk to, thoughts and anxieties snowball until they are insurmountable.

So melodramatic, sorry.

Things will get better. Eventually. So, for the rest of this post, I’m going to talk about the things that were little rays of sunshine in a bleak first semester.

– PXW: Lovely guardian angel and avid supporter of the ‘adopt-a-first-year’ program, who I’m afraid I have neglected most horribly. I have a very bad avoidant streak in my personality – if things are too hard/bad/scary, I ignore everything until the storm goes away (or gets worse, which it usually does). Unfortunately, I tend to ignore the good things as well as the bad things… translated – I would still love to get cake and coffee.

– Borders: My mecca. A lot of people complain about it being a big corporation and sucking the life out of independent bookshops, but I’m sorry .. it’s just too damn enticing. Beautiful music, books, and (gasp) stationary just sitting there, attractively positioned in flattering lighting.. with a cafe for when my feet get tired. Spending time in Borders makes me very happy.

– The sour cherry and almond muffins from the food co-op: Are divine. Some days I came to university only to get one of these muffins, and then sit in a corner hiding for the rest of the day debating whether or not I’d be able to handle going to class. They are beautiful… not very sweet, which is lovely in this age of muffins made entirely out of sugar.

– My mystery Amelie-style stalker: is lovely! Unfortunately, I have forgotten his name.. I imagine it is John, Jon or Jean (after guessing that, it’ll probably be Pablo or something completely opposite!). He shares an office with my philosophy tutor.. we ran into each other a couple of times after first meeting and it was lovely. I can tell he is a kindred spirit and can’t wait to be his friend.. but alas! How are you supposed to be friends with somebody you have only ever met by chance and don’t even know the name of? But he is brilliant and a bright spark in my world nonetheless!

– Being employed: Once upon a time (a month or so ago), I was complaining because I thought I didn’t have enough money to do any of the things I love. Somebody chastised me for thinking like that, saying that I was devaluing ‘free’ parts of my life that mean the world to me – Matthew, my dog, singing, dancing, etc etc. It’s a terribly materialistic and .. short-sighted thing to say, but I still believe that I feel happier when I have money to spend. I have a job now, so I don’t have to worry about whether or not I can afford a metcard. I can also see my family more often, because I can afford to travel back to Geelong more often. I can do interesting things with Matt when he comes down, because I’m not ridiculously poor anymore. I have the freedom to decide to do casual ballet classes or go out with a friend (ha, like I have any) for tapas now.. which is kind of nice! But it’s nicest being able to justify buying the Big Issue and buying muffins for homeless people, etc.

– The food my Mum cooks: even the smell of it. Being at home is .. well, brilliant. So many things that I took for granted, and things that even annoyed me, are suddenly wonderful. I used to hate the sound of my sister practicing her cello for hours on end, and now it’s wonderful. My little puppy barking whenever a car goes past used to drive me insane, and now it’s the height of cuteness. But the best thing is the smell and taste of being home. My mum cooks actual food, as opposed to my diet of ‘things that go in the microwave’ (if I can be bothered at all – otherwise I just drink juice all day) – when I was home last weekend, she made Indian food and invited our neighbours over. We had dhal, saffron rice, cucumber raita, meatball curry, pappadums etc… it was heaven!

– Futurama and The Family Guy: they’re just good, they don’t need to be explained.

– But best of all: the fact (though it usually seems like a mere hope) that things will get better. Next semester will be a good one!

EDIT: I just remembered, I forgot to post some pictures! Not last weekend, but the weekend before, Matthew and I went on the Melbourne Zombie Shuffle! Very scary – about 300-400 people dressing up as zombies, randomly, and trekking down Swanston, Lonsdale, Bourke and then Flinders st before heading over to Southbank! Don’t look if you’re squeamish – we are covered in blood after all!

(I’ve linked the rest because they’re big)

Highschool Sweethearts (Matt and I)

A Pile of Brides

Scarier When He Was Alive (!)

Impaled Housewife

Two of my Housemates..

Matt and I sharing a moment in the crowd

Best of the Lot!

And Jerry Springer -style final thought!

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