I’ve been having a pretty dodgy semester.

I haven’t been blogging much lately, so if you’re a reader, I’m sorry. I skimmed through the intros of all the posts I haven’t read yet, and as usual, something the charming Jinghan wrote has stuck in my head.

It’s three in the morning. I’m in my boyfriend’s room, waiting for him to come back from sketching people at a nightclub.

It’s lonely.

What a weird semester it’s been. I don’t know what has come over me lately, but I’ve been only attending the bare minimum of classes. I haven’t been to a geology lecture for a few weeks now. I like geology, I just seem to bludge it without intending to. It’s much too easy.

Sounds like the door opening. I’ll continue this tomorrow.

Right, I’m back.

So things have been overwhelming me a little. I constantly feel bad for what little study I do – as usual – but I can’t seem to sit down to do it. I just get distracted by facebook or conversations on Skype… And all my uni content is online. So it’s hard not to procrastinate. But that is, at the moment, a minor complaint.

Things are good at the moment. Good in a funny way. I’ve spent the last three weeks with my boyfriend, the last 2 of them being at his house. So I’m still paying rent at the place I normally reside, I’m just… Not there. And I adore the man – well, obviously, he’s my boyfriend. He makes me feel good about myself, makes me a better person, motivates me to study when otherwise I’d go hide in bed/online playing Tetris, and happily lives closer to the Uni than I do.
But the people who I share a house with tell me I should come home and give him a break for a few days. And I like that they care enough to tell me so, but I’m frankly much happier with him than I am there. I share a house with a friend of mine and her fiancee, and being the third wheel all the time gets… Old… very quickly.

I’m worried for my boyfriend and dammit I want to be there for him. He’s an artist – he’s good, too – but due to the overwhelming (cough) jobs available for artists in Australia, he’s had to get a call centre job, and he starts this week. He’s dreading it, and I don’t blame him. Must suck spending 5 years doing a fine arts course only to not find a job. Plus… I cleaned his room the other day, found a few doctor’s slips. Something… Looks serious. I don’t know what. There was no specifics. He’s said nothing to me though, which means it’s either not important, or, god forbid, he’s trying to protect me from something. It hurts to think about.

And my parents back home are annoyed at me. I didn’t come home for my birthday last month due to lack of money, previous appointments… Not wanting to spend my birthday in a tiny town where the fashion is emotional blackmail, etc. They refused to send my present. Eh… Fine. Just… Fine.

It’s hard not to get caught up on the fact that I’m not doing nearly as well as I’d hoped at Uni. Mostly I just pass. Information doesn’t seem to sink in like it used to. Of the three subjects I’m doing now…

1. Principles of Human Structure: in theory I’d love this class. But it is so overwhelming! So overwhelming. So many words to learn and things to visualise and I do my best to keep up but argh! I’m hanging on to passing, just, maybe… And the practical classes. We play with corpses (play not being the technical term…) I used to love ghoulish things. Now I’m finding them slightly nauseating – aren’t you meant to build up a resistance rather than gradually find these things worse?
2. The Global Environment: a really simple subject. Interesting, enough. It’s not hard or anything, I just haven’t shown up to a lecture in a while… I have a friend in the practical that I like, which makes things slightly better.  I can’t believe how utterly indifferent I am to this. I can always keep up – that’s cause it’s easy. But do I take anything in? Probably not.
3. Darwinism: a wonderful subject. Highly recommended, if you need a breadth. The tutorials are fun and informative and they make you think and the lecturer makes it worth the effort of getting up in the morning to come! It’s awesome. But I feel terrible for loving my breadth subject much more than my core subjects. I feel like I could easily pay more attention to it, but I also feel like I’m somehow doing the wrong thing if I’m doing better in my arts subjects.

Oh lord I should have been an Arts student. I’ve always thought this, the more  I look at that list the more it sinks in… Argh. I can recognise that I should be embracing the one subject I seem to do well enough in – Darwinism – but it makes me feel guilty that it’s not a science.

At the moment I can’t see me getting into Dentistry.  I think I give up on that. Feels like such a cop out. It was probably never to be.

But I am having such a good time living with my boyfriend. Even when we’re both doing our separate things – he’ll be painting, I’ll be trying to study – I feel much calmer around him. All these Uni things are trivial, in the grand scheme of things, and if I died tomorrow, I like to think I’d regret nothing. At the moment, I regret nothing. It just feels like such a tragedy that I can’t do better at Uni. Or I struggle to try harder. Whatever, you know what I mean!

I’ve been going to steampunk events – some good, some disappointing, but cool outfits are always cool, heh. I’ve been shopping: even grocery shopping is fun for me at the moment. I had an easter egg hunt with my housemates. I’ve cooked, I’ve cleaned, and all of these things have been deeply satisfying. I’ve noticed that typical house-wifey pursuits seem much more worthwhile to me than Uni…
GOOD LORD, NOOOOOO.

Yeah I’m constantly dosed up on oxytocin. It’s beginning to show…

I’m very happy at the moment. I’m  not doing well at Uni, I am aware of it. I’m not sure where I’m headed. I feel conflicted about the people around me. But I’m embracing the moments that are precious to me, and I’m making use of what time I have. Even if it isn’t by studying…