Revelation! (Johanna)
Seeing as this blog is supposed to chronicle the bad as well as the good things involved in First Year uni, I thought I should share something a little.. well, personal. Hopefully being open will make others feel better about being open as well, because stigma is a horrible thing. Before I begin, please let me stress that this is NOT a sympathy-fishing exercise. Please don’t tell me how tough it is or how sorry you are, because I already know – things are slightly alright at the moment, let’s not dwell on them anymore than we need to. But I do think that it is important for this blog to offer a real view of what happens to First Years, rather than the sugar-coated version.
I have severe depression. There are some rather unfortunate genes on both sides of my family, and by the time I was 11 I was being monitored for signs of mental illness. When I was 15, it became obvious that something was wrong and I was sent off to a psychologist. He has become someone I trust and value incredibly – what he has done for me is nothing short of incredible. But at the time, I didn’t want anything to do with him. In September 2003, I was taken out of school for Term 4 after what I suppose can only be described as a breakdown. One of my pet hates is when people carry on about being depressed or having depression, when they are clearly only just a bit down. Having real depression is unimaginably bad compared to being down. I felt useless, worthless and like I shouldn’t exist, because I was only a burden to my family and friends. Every tiny little thing that went wrong would send me spiralling down into a state where I wished I would disappear. I saw things that weren’t there, and my mind would switch in between being absolutely frozen and racing so hard I couldn’t sleep for days on end. I could hear my own voice in my head spouting fast gibberish, like background noise on every other thought I tried to have. I couldn’t relate to anybody anymore, my school work suddenly became shockingly bad, even things I adored gave me no joy.. and worst of all, I became incredibly irrational. I would constantly misjudge my own abilities, and became very upset when I ‘failed’. It was scary.. and the situation came to a head when my psychologist offered two options – hospital, or what ultimately turned out to be ‘house arrest’. My parents chose the latter.
I spent an entire summer getting better… taking medication, exercising, ridding my life of stress and other such things. I had time to do all kinds of ‘healing’ things, like writing, painting, drawing, running, meditating, etc… and eventually things got better. There was an absolute outpouring of cards, flowers, colouring books and cake from my friends, and I eventually realised that they liked me better than I thought they had. After several months of focusing on getting better and very little else, things did get better.
Since that first big episode, I haven’t really had another one on the same scale but things have still been tough. VCE was ridiculously hard on me and I ended up getting a score that, most people who knew me or taught me will agree, was quite a bit below what I was capable of. My social life was non-existent, resulting in the loss of a lot of friends.
This year has been the hardest on record. Moving to a new city, away from my family, being far away from my boyfriend, starting at university and suddenly finding myself more friendless than I have ever been. There is nobody here to inflict any sort of routine or purpose on my life, nobody to tell me to eat something or get out of bed, nobody to remind me to take my medication or fill prescriptions, nobody to hug me better when I want to disappear. Managing this by myself has been the toughest challenge ever, and I haven’t won the battle by any stretch of the imagination.
However, it’s not all doom and gloom. The purpose of me revealing this was to give a real view of First Years – it occurred to me that there probably are people among us who have been battling things very similar to me, and I didn’t want them to feel like they were the only ones. Suffering from mental illness doesn’t make you abnormal or defective, it just means that something is happening to you that you can’t always control. Last semester, I visited the Disability Liason Unit. I didn’t want to go there initially, because I decided that it would be an admission of defeat – my original plan was to just somehow ignore depression and it would go away. Unfortunately, it didn’t work like that. But they helped me a lot.. after sessions with one of the officers, she worked out ways in which to reduce my workload, apply for special consideration, etc. It helped so much – after the weight of the thought of failing was taken off my shoulders, trying to do well seemed just a little bit more attainable. I will probably have to apply for special consideration again this semester, but I’m hoping to stand on my own two feet a bit more next year.
There. So, if this sounds like you, you’re not alone.
Thank you for sharing that. Although a difficult topic, it contributes very positively to the collective First Year Blog entries.
“One of my pet hates is when people carry on about being depressed or having depression, when they are clearly only just a bit down. Having real depression is unimaginably bad compared to being down.”
I agree with you on that one about your pet hate. I have observed superficiality in that context myself.
Keep in mind also, that sometimes while someone is going through the depths of depression, they do a good job of keeping up appearances. And that makes it very hard to determine whether they’re ‘just a bit down’ or whether there is something else underneath. Would that be a fair comment?
Johanna, that’s an incredible post and I admire your motivations for writing it. Like you say, a lot of people trivialise mental illnesses such as severe depression, or at the other extreme, don’t want to talk about them. I think you’ve approached this in a brave, mature way and it’s really excellent to see that you’ve found ways to cope with it.
I can only say I hope that the rest of your year works out, and beyond. It’s unfortunate that we didn’t get a chance to catch up with you at the lunch last week, but I would love to organise another (with Lara, too) so that we can share our experiences in what has been a turbulent year.
Good luck with everything, and keep blogging!
Bravo.
Now that really takes guts to reveal such a side of yourself. Something which I myself could not do so publicly.
Very fair comment Mothgod – I’m one of the main offenders in that regard. Some of my closest friends have responded in disbelief when I’ve told them, because of how skilled you become at creating suitable facades. People who know me well can see straight through them though.. I have a tendency to act manically hyperactive as a sort of disguise when I’m actually feeling .. well, you know.
I suppose my ‘pet hate’ sprung from a particular girl in high school who decided depression was ‘cool’ and started telling everyone she had it. She was in actuality a hypochondriacal attention-seeking brat, but suddenly everybody in my year level had this warped view of what depression was really like – they assumed that I could just cheer up and get over it the same way she could any time a cute boy walked past or there was a party, etc.
Keeping up appearances might work as a convenient cover, and I use it often, but it just bottles everything up and doesn’t solve a great deal. Although it’s the last thing that anybody in that state would want to do, seeking help is a good idea and is ultimately up to the person.
Oh, and thanks Chris! Good luck to you too – I’m at the point where I know that I’m not going to do well, but if I pass everything I’ll be overjoyed. Oh.. we’ll both be working at Myer over Christmas I think! I suppose we’ll meet soon enough whether or not we have another get-together.
Thanks Dr. Waterstone, *hug*.
Dear Johanna; I think you just won “gutsiest post of the year” in a total hands-down misere. To reveal such a destabilised part of yourself and bare it in total to the general public takes a particular quality which inspires and I think will connect to a lot more people than some others may realise. Taking off the mask you normally wear to reveal any truth – and most hidden truths are scarred – is an effort. I commend you – hell no, I salute you.
And as for not wanting sympathy? Bad luck girl; you’ve got it, well, from this corner anyhow.
jez.
That must have taken a lot of guts to write mate.
May be you could help me with something Johanna? My aunty who suffers from depression came to live with us a few weeks ago, she is on sick leave from work to deal with it. I have been trying to cheer her up by chatting with her and just making her laugh and smile with mixed results. Is there anything else I could do to help her through this difficult period?
Thanks.
Congratulations on being brave enough to make this post. Much respect for coping so well, given what you’re going through. And it’s good that you made the decision to go to the DLU – the services exist to help you get through uni, so it’s great that you have chosen to make use of them.
I am completely overwhelmed by all this.. um, thank you to everybody for their messages of support (and your salute, Jez.. it’s very cute!). I just sort of felt that it was my duty to get something like this out there, so that people don’t ignore it, trivialise it or continue on with their complete misconceptions. So.. yay. Seems like I have succeeded.
Oh, Jez.. thanks for the sympathy, but things are kind of ok this week, so it’s alright!
SamSam – I’m not a psychologist, and I don’t pretend to be.. but it seems like you’re doing the right thing. For me, at least, being in a state meant that I was constantly stuck in this place where I wanted people around me and to know that they cared about me, but at the same time I was saying horrible things to them and pushing them away. My boyfriend has all the patience in the world for what he does for me and how he deals with all the hate I can dish out when things cease to make sense.
Basically, be supportive and patient, but it seems you’re already doing a good job. You’re so sweet to care so much about her.
…What you just wrote touched me so deeply. I can’t even put words down right now. Someone very close to me has been through what you have/are going through (the similarities are just so incredible)….I have been very very angry at them over the last few weeks after little things they did to me over time which deeply offended me, culminated with some major events and I decided I didn’t want to really speak with them for a while…
But I think I will give them a call tonight. Maybe try reaching out one more time – because what I needed was something, someone like you, to remind me that it is not ‘them’, it is the illness causing the problems.
Thank you for sharing.
For ur school stuff, As long we keep trying, things would turn out better,
we can always repeat the subject. not the end of the world!!.
if u feel lonely at uni, give a call to ur bf or family.
🙂
Johanna, i have to say thank you for the posts. U are such a caring person to me, giving me advice. Thank you for that