Come sail your ships around me, And burn your bridges down (Sophie)
Nothing like a bit of Nick Cave to pick you up in a dark moment – okay, perhaps most would take that comment as sarcasm, but in truth I adore his music and find it uplifting despite its dark edges. I have just been listening to “The Weeping Song” and “The Ship Song” – two songs I put in the list of his best. There is nothing like his music, with its instantly recognizable lyrical style – no one else writes quite like he does. Often described as ‘gothic’ in the press….but he calls all his songs love songs; he says that all love songs are ultimately sad songs because loving someone is as painful as it is great. That is a concept I love to think about. He wrote some fascinating points on it within a book of his which was filled with some of his song lyrics. Only three people had borrowed that book from my high school library within the 3 years of it being there – one was me, and one was a girl who has since become a best friend of mine (despite her currently living on the other side of the world!)
*Cue* Interruption.
The last thing I want is to socialize…and yet of course my mother had to invite my deeply conservative Aunty and Uncle over for dinner. My Uncle just came over to see what I was doing and came up with the positively-inspiring thoughtless of comment “What rubbish is this?”
Grrrr.
I don’t get angry easily but my patience this evening is paper-thin (a few hours sleep on exam day didn’t help). In a firm but controlled tone, I explained in the most logical way possible how I was writing an entry for my Melbourne First Year Blog and I was writing about a favourite musician of mine – Nick Cave and his lyrics are somewhat ‘unusual’. (It pays to use words that Conservatives understand). He accepted that and left me alone.
Right now I want to curl up on my bed in my room, pick at some food and flick through the latest Vogue which arrived in my mailbox yesterday.
Having always craved a Chanel suit; all throughout today I have stolen glances at THE dream Chanel suit…featured on page 6 of the latest issue. Stunning black and white tweed, in the most perfect figure-hugging cut, accessorized with the most drool-worthy necklace I have ever seen. It made me think I was working hard for a reason – so I could own that suit some day!
Anyhow…enough trivial talk- what is the reason for my mood?
Well, today has been pretty crappy. I had my QM1 exam…my favourite subject, the subject I expected to get the best mark in….well put it this way – I was *this close* to crying during the exam. It was SO hard. It didn’t help that it wasn’t anything like any of the past practice papers. I think a lot of people found it hard…but it’s just so depressing to really put effort into something and be screwed over. I’m so disappointed. All my friends think I’m really good at QM1 too and P told me afterwards how he wished he had been sitting next to me (i.e so he could cheat thinking I knew everything!)….which made me feel even worse. If only my friends knew I probably did worse than they did.
To be honest, the last few days have been really hard. I am so de-motivated.
Sometimes it just seems all too hard. I see people I know with easy goals and aspirations and I think maybe my life would be a hell of a lot easier if I was happy with just being average? Getting average marks, getting an average job, living an average life. The pressure I place on myself to do something amazing with my life is at times just so overwhelming. I feel such a deep responsibility to so many people, and the hardest thing in the world is facing the possibility of failing them. This guilt gets too much sometimes.
Anyhow, I hate having down-beat entries. I’m usually a really positive person and I like reflecting that in here.
So, on a positive note…two more exams to go then it’s OVER!
I think this vacation will be great for me. I have the most amazing work experience opportunity which I think will be a great motivator and get me back on track. I am so excited to see how things happen in business world and to learn as much as I can. It’s a bit scary…but the person I will be working with is really friendly so I know I will be okay.
I have already decided that next Semester is going to be awesome. I finally know what I need to do and how to improve. I have realised the most important time-management strategies…and for the first time in my life, am starting becoming a ‘time manager’ instead of a ‘time follower’! I can’t wait to start my first Finance subject and to do Introductory Macroeconomics.
On a side note though, lately I have been starting to crave my artistic pursuits. Sometimes I wonder if the grass is really greener – “Perhaps I should have done Arts?”…I crave a politics lecture. I crave an essay exploring something more fundamentally important to the world – social dynamics rather than business dynamics. I drove J crazy today with my discussion of the architecture within Melbourne Uni and in the nearby surrounding streets….!
So writing as therapy for the soul? Let me say I’m already feeling a bit better. I’m sure Trampoline ice-cream must contain a secret ingredient – and its euphoria-inducing qualities are slowly starting to sink in!
Someone told me last night I need to realise that attaining perfection is impossible.
After all, I am a first year and HELL….I don’t think anyone gets their first semester completely right.
I was naïve and made so many mistakes in my organisation of study and assignments, though that open-mindedness and lack of fear DID present me with some great opportunities in friends, extra-curricular activities and outside-uni life.
You learn…
And you must always build on your old foundations of knowledge.
Isn’t that what Uni [and life] is about?
-Sophie