Tis The MST season, but definitely not a period to be jolly. By the way, if you haven't come across MST before for some reason, it stands for 'mid semester test'. I had my first one last Friday and I have my last one this coming Tuesday. It's not really the studying that is tiring me out though, it is just that I have to come to uni 3-4 days a week and the long commute doesn't really help there. This month has been really hectic so far and it will end up being busy till the end. Apart from having many assignments and MSTs, I'm faced with other tasks such as planning my brithday party, going gift shopping for my friends' birthdays, dancing and playing Softball for the uni softball team. Although it seems like I've got a lot on my plate, I'm kind of enjoying it as I don't really have a moment to be bored. I feel like this month challenged by time mamangement and organisational skills, thus allowing me to sharpen them more. I strong reccomend joining the uni sports program as it is a great social getaway and an opportunity to be active. I sincerely wish my fellow peers good luck for their MSTs and I'm curious about what the rest of this month has in store for me.
You would not believe the amount of half-written blog drafts I have sitting around collecting dust already. It seems I've been yearning for a writing project, and now that I have one, I'm so pleased that I don't know what to do with myself. Alas.
We've just come back from the Mid-Semester/Easter break, and, speaking in the only measurement of time that matters, it's the end of Week 6. My thoughts turn to mid sem tests and end-of-semester-torture-devices disguised as exam rooms, and I confess. I baulk. The pressure to do well, to prove to your assessors and yourself that you've spent the past few months productively and absorbed all there is to know, is definitely present. The fear of not knowing if you've missed something, if you'll be asked something obscure, the background noise of ever-present gut-wrenching anticipation in the weeks leading up to results… Exam periods are rough.
I've started adapting to uni life. I see things around campus that no longer shock me: a mad lad playing League of Legends in the front row of a lecture theatre, a fabulously flamboyant gay couple strutting in unison as they walk to lunch, or even an abandoned car park hosting band practice. It's all part of the hodgepodge of individuality that is uni life, as far as I'm concerned. I know that I've signed up for too many commitments. I'm painfully aware of the marked-up prices for a sandwich or beverage, but I indulge nonetheless - Treat Yourself, is the motto of the day, I'll say. ('F*** Thinner, Eat Dinner,' command the city slicker stickers.)
I’ve found there's a trap that I'm falling into when I write, where every second sentence reads negative and downtrodden. Might I defend myself with the Kafka Phenomenon as a shield? That being, the phenomenon in which a writer will almost always sound negatively inclined, because writing is a cathartic act, and a disproportionate amount of time spent writing is in distress. View Kafka's gallery of journal examples: 21 July 1913, 'Nothing, nothing, nothing. Weakness, self-destruction, tip of a flame of hell piercing the floor', and 19 June 1916, 'you see only [the room's] emptiness, you search in every corner and don't find yourself'. Rarely do I feel the need to commit pen-to-paper the triumphs of my day; yet the melodramatic in me is soothed by the same simple act.
The social system in uni confounds me. You can have a friend for every lecture or tute you have, but never connect with them outside of course work. You can connect with friends outside of your faculty, but never have the time to hang out with them consistently. It takes real planning and prioritising to catch up with high school friends, and even more effort to stay in contact with primary school friends. At this point, I am of the belief that the only way you can have an active social life in uni is to simply not care about the longevity of your friendships. It feels bleak, but every avenue explored and failed is like a raindrop in a monsoon of platonic heartbreak. It might not matter much because the relationship was novel and shallow, but it hurts all the same, and the heartbreaks steadily add up. And of course, there's always the cryptic, romantically ambiguous friendships. How do we define friends, when the tides are constantly ebbing and flowing, and the circumstances and our interpretations of situations are always in turmoil? People (or perhaps interpersonal politics) confuse me.
Campus life is bustling. There’s always events happening on every corner, and there are certain pockets of Parkville which deserve to be named Main Street, or the like. I've already fallen into a rhythm when it comes to my schedule: I know where my buildings are, and I've started finding shortcuts and pathways, and rooms that feel like whispered secrets. It's a good feeling. I'm integrating, like a little puzzle piece into the bigger puzzle of Melbourne Uni. The question remains: have I found the place where I belong, or am I forcibly squeezing myself into places I wish I did?
It’s a cold sunny day in April and the curtains are flung wide open,
Three days into the mid-sem break: one day’s worth of public holiday, two days worth of weekend, and all I had done was shut myself up in my room with my timers and coffee and go in circles with my philosophy essay (due on the Monday at midnight). I only get one week off, whereas my little siblings get two, so I should spend more time with them this week before I’m off on my daily three hour commutes again but no, I’ve somehow racked up 25 hours for this 800 word essay. I try to reassure myself with reminders that I included all my reading time in those hours and that philosophy readings are super hard to understand, but still my stomach sinks with the feeling that I’m getting my priorities horribly wrong. In one or two or three years I will not live in this room anymore and never will again and when I come back to visit I will stand in the too-clean middle and wonder what I spent so many hours doing at this bendy desk with its warped frame and dried half-scratched-off watercolour stains and I’ll wonder if any of it was worth it if I can’t remember what 99% of it was. I’ll wander around downstairs awkwardly, with no comfort place, because my comfort place has always been my own room, segregated from everyone else. I’ll look at my siblings having a fun time together and be glad that they’re less traumatised than I spent years fearing but sad that I’m not in the circle, not anymore.
I inch down this slippy slide that empties into an abyss and wonder where my anchors went. At uni, superficial sparks of dopamine sizzle whenever I finish taking notes on a reading or finish watching a lecture on 2x speed or manage to squeeze my way onto a tram already packed down the steps. At times like now I wonder if all that hustle and bustle is my way of filling a void. A void of six odd years. Years wasted in a never-ending loop of forgotten mundane tasks. If being a new adult means your childhood is complete then where is my childhood, where did it go? It does not feel complete at all. I look at how big my siblings are and can’t quite remember how they got from baby faces who loved me to here. I did not look at them enough through all those most formative years, all I looked at was my laptop. The guilt is an ocean bowing my back, it locks around my ribs with fat greasy fingers. How ironic, how hypocritical, that even as I’m typing this I’ve already been hunched in front of my laptop for an entire morning. But maybe it’s better for me to feel this way. At least now I can stare the abyss in the face and strain my pupils in that total absence of light rather than perpetually fool myself with falsely-bright tasks in a loop-
Two days later I stand at the stove stirring concerningly rabbit-poop-like boba in a pot while my brothers play video games on the TV and my sister lounges around on her iPad. Time floats away on the wisps of burnt sugar that coil up from the wooden spatula I’m not quite sure is safe to put in boiling water. My brothers scream-laugh at the TV, my sister shouts at them to shut up and this nook in the kitchen is the cosiest place in the world. Twenty minutes later I sit on the couch with my sister and she teaches me the ins and outs of this pilot game that snoozes in a dusty corner on Roblox. One day later I’m in the backyard with bunnies whizzing around me and admittedly I’m still on my laptop (I did finish the philosophy essay but it’s not my fault the readings don’t stop coming, ok?) but wow I’m outside, and my brother bounces around a plastic inflatable basketball annoyingly close and half threatens to hit me and I feel so unexplainably whole. The house has tilted so that no longer is the heaviest weight in my room, now I have other places to reside. And I think, oh, that was just an existential crisis and it’s not the end of the world.
I don’t feel like introductions are my strong point. I freeze up and forget everything there is to say about myself. But I’m a firm believer that every person is a fascinating microcosm of ideas, ideals, histories and dreams, so I should refrain from selling myself short and keeping information about myself close to my chest.
That being said, I pride myself on being an open book. I say what comes to mind, even if I feel awkward about it. I’m not always the most eloquent or well spoken, but I try to be genuine.
Hi, I’m Lily. I’m an Aries, although I don’t actively look into astrology or zodiac related things. I’m an INFP, but I’ve done the 16 Personalities quiz about once a year and I’ve been an INFJ (2020, 23) and an ENFP (2021, 22). Even now, I’m pretty balanced in each of the traits measured. Although I’ve been quite consistently a Turbulent type, which from what I’ve gathered, means you probably deal with some dysfunctional level of anxiety.
I’m completing my first year of the Bachelor of Arts and I plan on majoring in Criminology and eventually pursuing the Juris Doctor here at Melbourne. It’ll be a long journey, but I’m looking forward to it!
I can only imagine that a great deal of my blog will document how I manage my aforementioned anxiety. You see, I have an Evil Noxious Cruel Not-Very-Nice brain that loves to self-sabotage. I think my anxiety has been a massive motivator for me academically, and that perfectionism has pushed me to do my absolute best work. That same anxiety has a habit of telling me that everything is wrong and it’s better, actually, to lay in bed and not talk to anyone, even though procrastination is very clearly not the solution and it never has been.
After my first wave of assignments, I’ve definitely got a lot to say about that, but as an introductory post, I’ll leave that part there.
Some other things about me include that I like to speak and ramble! A lot! Usually non-coherently and just to my friends, or in my little iridescent fish scale patterned notebook. I’m not afraid to participate in class discussions (I’m usually quite chatty with those!), but when it comes to my language learning tutorials I get a little panicky. I’ll work on that! And write about it too! I like to game with my friends (although I’m not really a gamer, I mainly play Genshin Impact. I’ve been playing Overwatch lately as well, but I’m not really any good), I like to draw, sing, perform, and ice skate.
Ultimately I’m just a little guy in a big university. Do not pity me, for I shall not weaken under the weight of my duties (getting 8 hours of sleep)! I shall slay the dragon (my anxiety and upcoming assignments) with the power bestowed to me by the gods above (Monster Energy and supportive friends)! The world shall echo my name and sing me praise!
Don't worry I'm not going to be complaining about how I need to figure out supply and demand curves or how I need to somehow make my balance sheet actually balance, but I am going to say that the assignments really did sneak up on me. When the assignment dates were mentioned earlier in the semester, they seemed to be a decent while away, but I did get a reality check when week 4 came around. Juggling the assignments with work and my dance performances outside of uni is quite a challenge, however crossing out each task one by one on my 'to do' list is quite motivating. Although I initially thought the workload was overwhelming, it really allowed me to develop my planning and time management skills. Other than the assessments, uni life has been a delight! Meeting up with friends during breaks and catching up with friends in other faculties while discovering the beautiful scenery on campus has been wonderful. It's really important pass all your assginments, but it's equally important to keep a balance between work life and social life. So, enjoy the social opportunities the uni provides, catch up with your friends and explore the campus while putting a decent effort into your work.
I look around the grand cavernous mouth of my first ever lecture theatre, and not a single face do I recognise. Not one single face in that field of faces lit sharply by the too bright alternating white and yellow lights.
Do you know what this means?
This means no one knows me.
No longer is my form defined by the chiselled year-hardened cage of shy kid try hard perfectionist gets good grades only because she’s pampered doesn’t know how to joke can’t take a joke. I’m a blob, liquid and squishy and gurgling. I'm a small pale moon wavering against the twin mammoth screens’ harsh white light. I'm an NPC.
I came from a high school where I knew everyone inside and out. (Well, not everyone, and not that well, but you get what I mean.) If I achieved something and something that allowed me to achieve that something hadn’t been available to someone else, I would spend the next days or weeks or months drowning and gulping in intense guilt. If someone else achieved something because, or if they simply just did, have something I didn’t, I would spend the next days or weeks or months enviously obsessing over why the whole meritocracy system built on fairness isn’t actually fair. Even if those people were my friends. Driven into my flesh all over were barbed anchors strung tight to a thousand criss-crossing wires that threaded me with the lives of everyone around me. A spiky spider web I couldn’t escape.
Toxic. I know.
Obviously, I didn’t want to be that person. I scrubbed at the life histories and comparisons and scales of worth etched into the concrete of my head until the air was choked with chalk dust and the obsessions somewhat paler, still there but somewhat less. Give me a few years to clean it away. I eased those spiky anchors from my flesh one at a time, slowly, hissing in pain all the way.
Then I went to uni and
all the spikes fell away by themselves. Painlessly.
(i love you unimelb.)
Why? Because suddenly, there was nothing for those itsy bitsy little painful wires to connect to. There was nothing for me to compare myself to. I didn't know anyone at all. And even when I started to get to know people, the sheer amount of diversity present in the room was not a trigger for whatever mental problems I had before; ironically, it was another balm. To realise that I could never log every detail of every person’s life just because there are so many people and so many lives, so many combinations of subjects and majors and jobs and interests and dorm rooms and academic achievements and personal histories up till this moment where two faces meet. To realise that never again could I measure everything using homogeneous units.
From the tiny, suffocating, padded-down, ranked-me-on-one-linear-scale-along-with-everyone-else high school environment to now this. The world had spun and exploded into a million iridescent shards and blasted away all my obsessions as if they had never been. Leaving me clean.
Even now, when it's the end of week 4 and half my tutors have pinned name to face, when tentative friendships/alliances/acquaintances have wobbled into being in all my classes, when this subtle familiar uncomfortable reassuring warmth of knowing and being known has settled on my shoulders once more, when my NPC days have already come and gone - I am still grateful for the freshness uni gave me in those first few days. The absolute liberation.
That's my intro to uni story. For those older than me: can you relate? Or have I just outed myself as someone totally not healthy and not normal?? And for those younger: hopefully your intro to uni presents you with just as much freedom as it did/is doing for me.
It is currently 9:26 pm on Sunday the 17th, and instead of doing any of the readings I promised myself I would finish this weekend or maybe starting the essay draft my tutor wanted to go over on Wednesday, I'm writing my silly little blog posts and ignoring all of my responsibilities. It's fine though. I'm fine. I can write for myself for a little bit, I deserve a treat.
I touched down in Perth, WA at exactly 12:05 am on New Year's Day of this year, after about 40 straight hours of travel from JFK airport in New York City. I've lived in the US my whole life, in the same town, in the same house. My mom, however, was born in England and moved to Australia as a child, so through her, I managed to swing triple citizenship, despite having never even been to the UK or Aus. Being the adventurer I am, I decided to catapult myself out of my comfort zone and move overseas on my own for university. You know, as you do.
It's already been such a ride. I got to spend a month travelling around the west coast with my parents, seeing where my mom grew up, spending time with relatives I had never even met before, and doing some of the most incredible sightseeing I've ever done before (Long Island Sound doesn't hold a candle to the beaches in WA!) My first month in Australia was some of the most fun I've ever had, and a truly unforgettable experience.
But that was only the beginning of my adventure. My parents have long since headed home, so now I'm here, about to start my fourth week of University, and wondering what on earth I've gotten myself into. My mom has done her fair share of travel in her life time; she told me to anticipate the homesickness, the feeling like a fish out of water, the wondering if you made the right decision and the impulse to give up and buy a plane ticket back home. She also told me to ignore it, because it will all eventually pass, and before I know it I won't want to leave. I can't lie, I've had my ups and downs since I've gotten here, and I think the newness of it all has shaken my confidence a little bit. However, I seriously need to cut myself some slack. Moving out for the first time is hard, and doing it in a brand new country is downright crazy. The best adventure stories have their ups and their downs, we probably wouldn't read them if the characters always had it easy. It's all a process, I just have to take things one day at a time, and enjoy the moments as they come.
So all of that being said, howdy! It's very nice to meet you all, you can call me Clay.
I am currently undertaking a Bachelor of the Arts here at UniMelb, and I'm planning on double majoring in Media and Communications and Creative Writing. In case you couldn't tell, I adore writing, everything from poetry to short stories to essays to plays to songs. You name it, I've probably dabbled. I'm also a huge lover of music. My favorite genres are rock, alternative, indie, and folk, and I play guitar, violin, ukulele, and I can operate a few other instruments. I also love singing, especially for musical theatre. I used to figure skate competitively (now I just do it for fun) and I love hiking, climbing, and being active.
Introductions hard. I want to state all of these fun facts about myself to make myself seem cool (I'm an ENFP, I can solve a Rubik's cube, I collect pins, all that jazz) but I also have this weird hang-up about putting myself out there. I can't help but wonder if anyone out there actually wants to read all of this, or to get to know me. Making friends is harder than I remember it being back home, and I'm always a bit nervous that I'm talking at a wall or bothering the people I'm trying to befriend. I've heard that's a universal experience though. So I want to close out with a little message to everyone else who's been feeling a little socially anxious like me lately: we're all cool people, with our own unique stories and quirks, and we are all worth knowing. It's okay for us to put ourselves out there, even though it's scary, and we'll all find our way eventually.
If you've made it this far, thank you for reading my silly little introduction. I hope you've enjoyed getting to know me, and I would love to get to know you too. :)
Today marks March 16th. I casually glanced at my smartphone, only to find the countdown I had set prior to my departure now relegated to the annals of history, adorned with the inscription "25 days since." Yes, it has been precisely 25 days since my arrival in Melbourne. Before embarking on this journey, whether engaged in light banter with my parents or amidst the joviality of a say-goodbye gathering with friends, I often jestingly remarked, "I'm traversing from the northern reaches of the northern hemisphere to the southern expanses of the southern hemisphere."
Occasionally, in the late hours of the night, lying in bed, scrolling through social media, I see updates from family and friends living on the other side of the globe. I see them still bundled up in thick down jackets, their exhalations materializing as ephemeral plumes of warmth in the frosty air. The landscape remains steeped in the desolation inherent to the depths of winter, suffused with a pallid, seemingly interminable grayness. In such moments, I am seized by an ineffable sense of unreality—a fleeting respite wherein I am able to apprehend the essence of my being and the seismic shifts that have beset my life. But at least it proves that I'm adapting well, doesn't it?
For the first 22 years of my life, I lived on the Chinese mainland, in Beijing. Except for occasional trips with family and friends each year, allowing me to visit different corners of the world, I never seemed to leave the place I call "home." Well, this is my first attempt at studying and living alone in a foreign land. It's a complete solo endeavor, handling everything I need in life.
I don't know how many others at our uni are in the same stage as me, but I believe our feelings are roughly similar: it's a complex mix of emotions that's hard to accurately describe with just a few words. Excitement, trepidation, anticipation, self-doubt—none alone suffice to encapsulate the gamut of our experiences; they must be lived to be comprehended.
At the very least, I stand poised to triumphantly check off item 11 on my list of "100 things I want to do before I die"(Inspired by Chip Huyen, I have created my own list of things to do before die), which is described as: "11. Live in another country." Yes, I did it!
About me
Yes, I'm an international student from China, aged 23 this year. If you've gleaned anything useful from my ramblings above, here are some additions: my name is Cole, and I'm currently enrolled in the Master of Information Technology program at the University of Melbourne, in my first semester of my first year.
And I'm an INFJ, as stereotypical as they come—I swear, every time I retake the test, those four letters just stare back at me, with the intensity only growing stronger! If anyone wants to discuss the "INFJ's Guide to Self-Redemption," I'm all ears!
I'm a bit of a daydreamer, often lost in thoughts of times gone by or distant futures. One of the writers I hold dear is David Foster Wallace. “To be just a little less arrogant. To have just a little critical awareness about myself and my certainties. Because a huge percentage of the stuff that I tend to be automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded.” That's my life mantra.
I'm quite the introvert, and in those moments of solitude, my nerdy side often emerges. I consider myself a bit of a geek, but I'm not keen on defining my future into the stereotypical programmer box. I prefer to explore whatever piques my interest in any realm I fancy. Specifically, I'm passionate about Data Science, Deep Learning, UI Design, and any fun tools that can streamline my workflow and boost my efficiency.
When not buried in my text editor, I'm a huge fan of hip-hop and R&B music. (Now, I've also jumped on the K-pop kingdom.) J. Cole and 6lack are two of my favorite artists. So, it's no surprise that I've listened to "Pretty little fears" more times than I can count.
Other tags about me: A die-hard fan of Arsenal FC, A Moba expert and also a Fps rookie, A Tabletop game lover, An Amateur in Debate competition, A Lyrics translator.
All Is Serendipity
So far, I have to say I'm already falling in love with Melbourne. This wonderful place is brimming with so many surprises. Every day, as the sun sets, I stretch lazily, and in my mind, I think, "Wow, today brought yet another new findings." Indeed, each day unfurls before me like a new chapter in an enigmatic tome, leaving me to marvel at the endless possibilities that lie ahead.
Amidst the bustling streets, everyone I've met here has been incredibly friendly and kind. The sense of community that permeates the very air I breathe is palpable. I cherish any connection I make here: One day, as I was strolling down the street, I bumped into my former English teacher from China. He's a funny Australian bloke, and I have no idea how I recognized him from behind. While waiting for the tram, a guy who was in my tute just moments ago, deeply engrossed in his notes, walked past me. We were both surprised to realize we lived on the same street. And now, including you, possibly reading these very words, we've all instantly formed some kind of connection at this moment.
I don't quite know how to accurately describe this feeling: just like a feeling of destiny—a whisper of the divine that reminds us of the inherent magic of existence.
Without indulging in excessive preamble: I find introductions tedious. Nothing I tell you about my favourite band, hobbies, or various other cute tidbits are going to inform you on whether you'll like me as a person, or enjoy my company. But an introductory post is by definition introductory, and I am perfectly capable of compromise. I am also very capable of erratically jumping from one topic to another, which will either speedrun the getting-to-know-me process, or act as a warning to the scatterbrained "organised mess" situation I have upstairs. Consider yourself warned.
I'm an ISFP, but people mistake me for an extrovert - which is a mistake - I just like making friends! but maybe not for the right reasons. There is a level of absurdity you can display to absolute strangers, that you can't spontaneously present to your friends who already presume they know who you are. But labels are just boxes we restrict ourselves to, and defying the mould is what got us all into Melbourne Uni in the first place.
I ramble and I say things I don't mean; I say things that I mean in the instant which I then recant. I leave blog posts and emails in the drafts folder to marinate, because it never feels right to jump the gun. Who knows what won't align with my values in a week or more? (My introduction already sounds too aggressive.)
Uni life has been intriguing. It's week 3, which seems like early days but is instead 1/4 of the way through Semester (mind-blowing), so I'll share the tips I've got, as an inexperienced Jaffy learning the ropes:
Find the nearest microwave to your classes (yes - packing lunch is the way to go); please, lift the fog from your eyes and stop trekking halfway across campus for the student pavilion microwaves (I plead guilty).
Staying one step ahead is falling behind: nothing that my friends said could have prepared me for how you need to have mastered the last lecture's content for the next day's workshops/tutorials to make any sense. Going through test prep questions when you don't know what the formula abbreviations stand for is funny for the first 10 minutes, but… . .. ....Well.
Just talk to people! Everything's easier when you realise people care too much about their own lives to pick apart whatever imperfections are causing today's insecurity. Chatting to strangers as you go about your day might earn you a new friend - and it might not! There's nothing to be gained from an avenue explored compared to an opportunity lost except sociability and a slightly happier day.
I digress. I've got my first two assessments coming up, and I've already started the uphill battle of retaining my sanity. It's only Week 3.
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